Calendar Days

We all want to pass as cats.

Then we have second thoughts.

It's time. It's time. 

Calm Before the Storm

No matter how many knives we put in each others backs, we'll have each others backs, because we are that lucky.

I know I'm bad news. I saved it all for you. You give me that look, and I know exactly what it means. Hold me down and love me, because I'm no good at it. You blew me a kiss, and I couldn't catch it. It flies by and lands on someone else's heart, seems that I'm a jinx in general. 

It was always for you, the way my breath escaped from my lips to yours, and our tongues had quiet music to dance to. These are all of my secrets exploding into fireworks in front of me. Your hands trace my skin leaving me with goosebumps as you memorize every inch of my body. You kiss my scars, happy that they will never leave my flesh, and happy that I will never leave you. We lay in bed clinging to each other knowing that this is exactly where we need to be.

Mapless and Hopeless. Alone Together.

Love exists in powder. Love exists in pills. We are all addicts.

“She is all I could ever ask for, she is perfect, and right now, with those big, green eyes and pillowy lips and alabaster thighs, the idea of doing this for the rest of our lives doesn't seem all that daunting. She’s the last reprieve. The stay of execution. She gives me hope. But times are tough for dreamers. And even if my dream is a simple one—all I want is for Her to be in love with me forever—I know it’s still a long shot. Life ruins everything.” 

Lets be alone together, forever. Ever have that feeling that you are bulletproof? un-fucking-touchable. Living way up in the clouds, not even coming down for air. Every touch tingles in the best type of way possible. Electricity, it courses through my veins and shocks my heart when it threatens to stop beating. You sometimes want to outsmart it, just for shits and giggles. "Cross my heart and hope to die, splinter from the headboard in my eye." We are playing for keeps. Keep you on a pedestal way too high. Far away enough where I can't reach you. But I know you always come back down to me.

Thunderstorms makes me want to stay naked with you forever. Just looking at you makes me hot from head to toe. 

I'm Foggy Like London, But without all the Class and Dignity

Got some books on the floor, they're holding up my standards. Swore myself off of you, but I don't do too well with ultimatums. 

When everyone loves you, you can never be lonely. Sometimes. Sometimes it's not that easy. Most of the time it's the "I'm in a crowded room and no one can see me" type of scenario. Sure we're the kids that have it all, it doesn't mean anything though. These are the desperate "I love you's" through the phone. "I miss you" and "please come home". I don't deal with things in the right way. But that's no secret. Damaged goods from the start. 

Brilliant colors swirled around. Bright white teeth and happy tongues, these were my favourite times. A room full of very different people, but all alike in some way or another. A small apartment that gave everyone the hope that they needed. We new we were fucked from the start. He was toxic, and I needed him coursing through my blood. 

Okay, I know I don't make sense about 90% of the time. Words and sentences are being strung together trying to throw a life line out to my thoughts. Kind of reminds me of how words don't mean a thing to you. Reel the words in crew, this ship has sunken. You never listen anyways. My brain is on fire, and my fingers are itching. Maybe this never meant anything to you, but it did to me. Remembering Sunday. 

It's going to be alright. The right smile can save you. And I plan on waking up to the biggest brown eyes I have ever met. Baby, the best ones are crazy. 

Listen to a song and time your heartbeat. Let it be okay to fall asleep slow tonight. Think about a good friend. Think about god. Think about death. Think about someone else's clumsy hand on your belt buckle in the dark. Think it will be okay. No more rants, no more poetry. Not tonight. 

Stay On the Ground

I don't want to be who I was back then...

I don't want to see through the eyes of a liar...

You will be okay. It's not that no one cares, it's just that everyone gets scared. No exceptions. I kind of feel like everything I say has been recycled. I'm not even bad news, I'm old news.. But that sounds like an invitation to a pity party.

"No really, I'm fine."

And I swear to God I really am. Today is just a bad day, which is expected on an anniversary of death.. It's kind of funny how just the smallest of decisions freak you out and make you want to go running.. Funny as in not that funny. 

I feel awkward writing here now. I either write for myself in my journal, or I'm writing my stories from my characters point of view. Perhaps when I'm more awake I will think of something more poetic, or interesting even to write about.

The Things That Make Your Skin Crawl

Some people are fucking monsters.

I can't believe how cruel some people can be. Cyber-bullying needs to be stopped. I can't believe how much this story has affected me. Such a beautiful soul, lost at such a young age. I wish I could make everyone's pain go away. I wish suicide didn't exist. I wish I could inject everyone with some form of hope.

I used to think my happiness and hope would only come from someone else, only very recently did I actually discover I can have hope and be happy alone. It was a scary transition, with some cuts and bruises along the way. But I made it through. I wish everyone knew that all you have to do is hold on.

Who knew it was within me.

I did something several months ago that I regret. And I lost one of my closest friends because of it. I finally had the courage to own up to what I did. I apologized. I know it's not much, but it's a step in the right direction. Of course I can never be certain if he'll actually ever forgive me or not. But I do miss white houses, and the way he could say one thing to completely change my perspective on something. It's strange to think that something has lasted almost four years after all we've put each other through. I am so glad I've been able to have such a beautiful and meaningful friendship with a truly amazing person. Even if we never spoke again, I am so thankful for the time that we did have together.

It Was Just How You Looked In The Light

And sometimes all the lit houses I walk by, I'm just dying to be inside.

I'm too green to feel blue. Random letters string a long to form a sentence, as ransom notes fall off of your tongue. Your love would be Hell, but it's just not hot enough baby. My head is a giant mess of happiness and fucked-up-ness. 

One pill to breathe, another to sleep, and the last one to feel okay in my skin again. You're not even bad news, you're old news. That's just my heart I keep choking on, as three little words continuously get stuck. It was never me, it was always you. 

TrueFuckingLove