Sunday, August 31, 2008

Here We Go Again.

Oh no. This can't be happening again.
I'm really getting sick of myself fast again. It's funny how one bad day can just keep me down. I hope I can get back up soon.
I feel so alone lately, and I know its so ridiculous, I have the best friends in the world that would do anything for me.
I don't want to go down the same road again. It's too scary for me to face. I thought I was finally getting better. Whats happening to me?
I'm getting scared of myself again. I don't want to hate me, or my life, and I don't want to have to start over again...
Fuck.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Thursday, August 21, 2008

That Green Gentleman

To my future Husband <3

"Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen."

It's okay to be yourself now.

Friday, August 15, 2008

I Am Ready Whenever You Are.

swoon

So basically my life is (almost) complete.


"Our song is the slamming screen doors,Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window
When we're on the phone and you talk real slow
'Cause it's late and your mama don't know
Our song is the way you laugh
The first date "man, I didn't kiss her, and I should have"
And when I got home ... before I said amen
Asking God if he could play it again"

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

No, I'm Nothing Like A Song.

Dear You,

The moon bred new Atlantic life. Tonight the salt burned you right out of my eyes, and secrets we're not proud of were taken with the tide.
Today I saw cancer, cigarettes and shortness of breath. This is why I walk to the ocean. Swim with sharks and jellyfish. I may never get this chance again. This is why if you want to kiss you should kiss. If you want to cry you should cry, and if you want to live you should live. You don't have to love me. You already did. At least enough to keep me smiling from South Carolina to Virginia. it's for lovers (orjustfriends).

This is why I do it.

- I want to be your life support when all else fails.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Think Of You Later

So why do I keep hitting 
myself with a hammer?

Because it feels so damn good when I stop.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Freak Out!

I'm seeing this beauty that I so rarely witness.
It was good, no, it was amazing
Tell me that you won't,
Won't forget about me.
I had such an awesome time.
Seeing the hero's that saved my life.
Back to where we left off, baby.
“How you been and what’s been new with you lately?”
Just forget it, it’s the same old runaround.
You build me up just to let me down.
I'm sorry.
I just don't think I can be your friend anymore.
Tonight you'll cry yourself asleep
As I lay awake in some far off city
Pretend you're lying next to me
Eyes wide open dreaming of you
It's hard not to think of you.
I know I'll never see you again,
but I have never felt so beautiful.
Thank you.
Life is what you make of it
So make your faults, wonder what we could bend
Looking back on all of this,
I wanna know I made the best
Saving my rest for the grave
I'm putting my best foot forward.
I'm going to make my dreams come true.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Stay Awake



I'll be fine even though I'm not always right
I can count on the sun to shine
Dedication takes a lifetime
But dreams only last for a night

I'm so excited for Warped.
It's going to be the best day ever.
Surrounded by all my friends,
and favorite music.
I can't wait.
I said, "Before you ask which way to go, remember where you've been."

Monday, August 4, 2008

It's The Greatest Thing That's Yet To Have Happened


I love my friends.
I love my family.
I love my bunny.
I love my horse.
I love Vogue.
I love poetry.
I love candy.
I love photography.

I love my life

Friday, August 1, 2008

I Constantly Thank God For Esteban

To every girl that is scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt too many times or so badly. To every girl that has been cheated on, because she's not a slut who gives it up to any guy. To every girl that dresses cute, not skanky. To every girl who wants to be called beautiful, not hot. To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect present for you. To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose that bitch instead. To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend. To every girl who would just once like to be treated like a princess. To every girl that cries at night because of another heartbreak. To every girl that won't get down on her knees & open her mouth just to get a boyfriend. To every girl that just wants to hold hands. To every girl that kisses him with meaning. To every girl who just wishes he cared more. To every girl who would just once want a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold. To every girl who just wants him to call. To every girl who lies awake at night thinking about him. To every girl that just wants to cuddle. To every girl that just wants to sleep with him without having sex. To every girl who shows how much she cares & gets nothing back. To every girl that thought "maybe this one could be the one". To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it is funny. To every girl who is just looking for that one & only & is having a rough time along the way. To every girl that doesn't want a guy who just plays with her emotions but actually cares about how she feels. To every girl who wants words backed up with actions. To every girl that fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end. To every girl that gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face. To every girl that has faith that "tomorrow will be a better day.
And it will be.

Let's Get These Teen Hearts Beating Faster.


So sick of immaturity, name calling, of labels, of gossip, of high school. It doesn't even make sense anymore. And I find myself being nice to people who I want to strangle.
Talk all you want. You can't break the girl who thinks nothing of you.
No matter what you say, I'm going to stand tall. Go ahead and push me, I'm not going to fall.
Yes, sometimes I feel like I'm on a street to headaches and heartbreak. But it just makes me realize I don't need certain people and all the bullshit they bring. So keep talking about me, you're making me famous. I refuse to be part of your game, I might have before, but now I'm not the same, I won't be yours.

(My secret is fatally gorgeous, I would die for you.)
(If looks could kill, you'd be a murderer, or maybe just a whore...)


Never think you are nothing. Never cry at night for not being pretty enough. Never tell yourself you'll never be good enough. Because to someone you are everything. To someone you are gorgeous. To someone you're the world.
When things get a little hard, you have to look on the brightside. Wear your smile proudly, because sweetie, too many people would kill to see you fall.

(Maybe I can't stop the downpour. But I will always, always join you for a walk in the rain.)
(To tell you the truth, I'm lying.)

So what's your addiction? The pain, the emtiness, the high? Maybe we all just want to feel alive. So cut up your arms, restrict all your food, and take hit, after hit, after hit.

(I've got you figured out.)

Trust me, I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it feels like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart, for everything to hurt so bad you want it all to end. I know exactly how it feels.

(He's unusually unusual, and that's beautiful to me.)


This Is The End For You My Friend

More than 8.5 million people have cosmetic procedures in the U.S. per year.
This Is The End..of self mutilation.
The average weight of a model is 23% lower than that of an average woman.
This Is The End...of insecurity.
Approximately one million men and boys suffer from anorexia.
This Is The End...of self hatred.
Clinical depression affects about 16% of the population at least once in their lives.
This Is The End...of hopelessness.
As many as 10 million women and girls suffer from an eating disorder.
This Is The End...of self doubt.
80% of 4th grade girls have been on a fad diet.
This Is The End...of marketing disease.
Americans spend approximately $12.4 billion on cosmetic procedures per year.
This Is The End...of insanity.
By age 21, the average person will have watched 1,000,000 commercials.
This Is The End...of exploitation.
Billions of dollars are spent every year to make YOU feel worthless.
THIS IS THE END.