I'm Gunnin' For You

I Guess I feel alone in this.

I hate my fingers, I hate my feelings. Out of touch, we'll pretend this is all this is. Being alone is terrifying, but I won't let that stop me. I can't. The fact that it scares me is the same principal I base the fact that I cannot stop. I have to learn. I have to fear. I have to grow. The show must go. When I can finally write down what I think to the tune of only myself as the audience then I know I will be saying what I mean.

I wish I could hate you as much as I hate myself. No, I don't wish to go back to my old ways, but damn, you make it so tempting. Just one puff, life is better. Pop a pill? No big deal. I find it thrilling and terrifying when you teach me new ways of self destruction. I love it when you tell me about a new reckless thing you have done, it makes me wish I was right by your side doing it, baby, we could have killed eachother.

Played, I thought I was playing you, but babe, you played me better, good game. I was your decoy, and hey, I don't think I really did mind. Its the ignoring part that hurts me the worst by far, no goodbyes, no "sweetie, this was fun, but you had to know it couldn't last." Maybe it's all in my head and everything is perfectly fine, maybe you just don't want to talk to me right now, but you know how I do, I let things fester in my head and think of bad situations.

I secretly love the feeling. Im a fucking size zero. Invisible, nothing but air. I loved trying on every dress tonight knowing that I was going to be modeling a size zero. That girls would look at me and question themselves, secretly being envious. then there will be the people who are concerned from me "Someone needs to tell that girl she needs to eat something." Well fuck you all, count the ribs sticking out of my body and trace your fingers over my hipbones.

I'm having troubles with trust lately. I wish I didn't. Always second guessing yourself is not a good way to spend your time. I hate living in my head so much, I want to be out in life again, but when I live in reality, I get fucked up. I get hurt. As much as I hate to say it, I miss rehab, I was so safe a protected, not to mention I was living with my best friend.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to do it again, its just like an addiction always at the back of my mind. I miss sharp objects scarring my skin, I miss the trickle of blood down my legs, I miss sticking my finger down my throat. But these are habits I never want to fall back to again. I guess Im just saying this so people know how it is. It's an addiction, and it's hard to quit.

All this me time has really helped me though, I know what I want and when I want it. I know when to speak up and be confrontational, I will never let another person step on me again. I won't go down without a fight, I'm going down swinging.

It starts to be time to be better at everything at the same time. Trust will bind us. And it will also destroy us all together if we neglect to let it be in complete control of our decisions and our actions. Say whatever you want because I can laugh it off. Sure I can. But that says nothing of the resilience only wish I knew. For the handful of people I am aware of that possess the ability to make me feel entirely safe I can only pray to g(G)od that lines are never crossed. In a time and a day and a place where for more of myself than anything else, the beating heart of your day to day life is a complete risk, and where people can turn on dimes, I cannot imagine what it would be like to feel such betrayal. I am a monster.

I keep getting myself wrong. "Nothing bad is happening to me" doesn't make sense anymore. It just gets so scary sometimes all it takes is a flat bmx tire and you think you're headed for serious disaster.

I don't ever want to be a complete and utter lack of a good reason to fight for something.It doesn't feel like I get stronger by the second, right now I feel suspended in air. But its probably more just the altitude. The air is so fucking thin up here it makes you sick faster than it makes you smile.

Its the fear that drives us. Its that same fear that keeps us on a razors edge. I will always be deathly afraid of falling. Out of trees, out of love, and out of touch.

And at the end of the day,

I hated sleeping alone.

There’s nothing worse when you’re lost

And you don’t wanna go home.

I am done ranting now.