Old habits die hard.And this might be a habit I can't quit.
I’m uncomfortable.
Always edgy.
Constantly waiting.
I want it.
I need it.
My eyes play tricks on me.
Colorful blotches are always appearing.
I see things that don’t exist.
I want it.
I need it.
I hear my heart throbbing.
I watch the veins pumping.
Thrusting blood surges.
I want it.
I need it.
My body shakes.
My breathing stops.
I pass out.
I want it.
I need it.
Just give me a little something.
Oxycontin, Percocets.
Or a little crack or cocaine.
I want it.
I need it.
Rehabilitation is where I lye.
All I want is a little something,
To take the edge off.
I want it.
I need it.
But deep down inside,
I want to kick the habit.
And be clean for life.
I want that.
I need that.
If you loved me, you would
help me,
you would watch this.
I am frustrated. Why can't I fucking save you? Enough is enough, I can't help you if you don't want the help. You meant something to me, and God, I wish I could save you. We were killing eachother, but now it's only you killing yourself. I don't even know why I care so much. I hate feeling like I must help everyone. It's what breaks me down, makes me go back to old habits, places I don't want to be. I wish everyone would automatically get the help they needed. It hurts to see you fucking over your life for drugs. You could have been someone.... You really could have.
I am frustrated. It is my getaway, a place for tears, a place for secrets, my safe place, the place that helps me through the hurt, shelters me through the bad times, and lets me get away. So why are you ruining it for me? Why are you so concerned about what other people want, over your own daughters needs?
I know I'm a disappointment to you, but my god, could you please try to understand?
Not once did you visit, not once did you call. Not once did you tell me you loved me and gave me a hug. You didn't even say goodbye, you just abandoned me in a place colder then your heart.
I am frustrated. Why are you keeping me from the one I really love? The one's I need. Why are you sheltering me from my friends, the ones who will help me get better? I NEED him, he is a safe place, why don't you understand? The past is in the past. Get over it. Maybe I'll pick up something that will hurt you as much as you are hurting me.
I keep thinking terrible things are going to happen to you. and they scare me. A lot, I miss you. I listen to this song everyday, and it scares me that this is going to be you, going to be me. I just want you at home.
That one's for you... Just so you can get in my brain, get in my nightmares and let me know you will be okay.
I hate nightmares. They won't go away. Those sterile white walls won't leave me alone. I left them a long time ago. Why are stupid thoughts of self harm still haunting me? I won't do it, but my god, I wish the addiction and pain was gone.
I need someone to be throwing rocks at my window right now, someone who loves me. I need them to take me away, someplace I love. I want to feel safe, protected, I want a teddy bear to cuddle with, I want an old hoodie that smells like you to sleep with.
I just wish I trusted myself more.
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