My Silent Undoing.

I need a fix I can't take it.

Just one more hit,

I promise I can deal with it.

I'll handle it, quit it, just one more time,

then thats it.

Just a little help to get me through this.

I don't know whether to admit defeat, or indulge in it. Puffs of smoke are circling around my mind. You just taste so damn good. Am I trying to die quicker? Is my subconscience doing this to me?

I don't want to blame him for my mistake. And I don't, he honestly thought he was helping me out, and he did. Until I felt a surge of guilt.

It's funny though how some people managed to help me, give me a shoulder to lean on when I felt guilty, and then that one person I counted on to help me the most, HURT me the most.

Thank you Sio, for letting me know it was okay, that it was only a small mistake, I could have done worst. You helped me a lot before I burst into tears.

Never give a cutter your old blade.

I'm always afraid that I am going to fall back onto bad habits, that I am always going to be this fucked up. I talked to my therapist the other day.... She said when I feel like self harming, and when I tank this low I need to be put back in the hospital straight away. Fuck that. So I guess this can be our little secret.

It's not that I want to cut, I just miss it. An addiction I can't quite kick. I like to dig my nails really hard into my skin sometimes, but I swear thats not self destruction.

I KNOW, I will never cut again. I'm stronger then that.

I can't eat anything
Without shoving my hands down my throat
And I refuse to meet the world without smearing on makeup
With my hair blinding my eyes.

I'm not going to lie. This is by far the hardest habit to quit. I want to be thin, I want to be beautiful.

"Kelsey, why do you do this to yourself?"
"Because I want to be thin, I want to be beautiful."
"You already are all those things."

Thats my mom's and I most frequent conversation, I never believe her though when she tells me the last sentence.

I don't own an eating disorder, maybe just a brain disorder. There is nothing wrong with me. I AM eating.