I’m Much Too Crazy To Change.

Simply unexpected.

This photograph, was completely out of the blue, and the most beautiful shot. After the shoot was done, and we were convinced we had the perfect shot of us looking "in love", we talked for a little while. He could tell I needed a hug. It was beautiful, and exactly what we had been trying to achieve the whole time we were pretending, luckily the photographer was right there and quickly took the picture. They decided to use this one over the posed one. It almost seemed real to me.

I should have been brave enough to just ask your name, instead of screaming, "I cannot contain my lust!" Now you probably think I'm a creep...

I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has over flown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip. I start to get the feeling that something is really wrong. Like all the drugs put together can no longer combat whatever it is that was wrong with me in the first place. I feel like a defective model, like I came off the assembly line flat-out fucked and my parents should have taken me back for repairs before the warranty ran out.

A joint or two just hangin out the window in September on the 28th I’ll be dethroned and sent to clean up my act. It's 6 p.m, we're sellin' everything that we can find for another line. "Get ahold of yourself," you say. We're bound to get caught and maybe then I can get clean. The police have different plans for me tonight. You know, you can’t swim in a town this shallow.

Fuck you. For saying you'd stay. For acting like you cared. For saying you loved me, for saying you'd be there. And then leaving. For turning your back around and leaving me here to pick up the pieces. For forgetting about me. For replacing me. For shoving it in my face that we're just not the same anymore. For not having the fucking decency to see that what you're doing is over the edge. Too much. You just keep doing this. You just don't care. All you ever think about is yourself. Don't you get it? Don't you understand how much you're hurting not me, but her? No, you just can't seem to see that you're causing all this irreversible damage to not only me, but her. My god she deserves so much better than you. For everything. For being the thoughtless, heartless, stupid little prick that you are, fuck you. And luckily believe in payback. Letting people screw you over is just lazy and uncreative. But also, sometimes being totally fucked can be a liberating experience.

You, in the cardigan, you're tired of all your friends. You, with your hair pulled back just right, you're bored with your boyfriend. so believe me you innocent little girl, in someone else's diary you are a "skanky whore." I would never consider us to be suicidal. It's just apathy and boredom, adding up to a whole lot of nothing. Then I remembered that my mom used to say to me, 'You can't have fun all the time.', and I used to say, 'Why not? Why the fuck can't I have fun all the time?"

And I guess these are all just ramblings. But they are important. They are me.