I Like It.

Love and electricity are one in the same. My dear, if you do not feel the jolt in your soul every time a kiss is shared, a whisper is spoken, and touch is felt, then you’re not really in love at all.

Maybe someday I will realize the potential between us, secret friends. But I must admit, I have a secret that I would die before I told you. It falls on forbidden lips that are dying to be kissed. By you, and only you. A crave for lustful hugs, where two bodies shouldn't have met. It's a case of "if things were different..." But they're not. And wishes fall on deaf ears. This is me between the lines of reality and fantasy, lusting after both. Unfair and cruel, just like our relationship.

So Long

I've never been more proud of you, and I've never hated myself as much as this. Why can't things stay the same? I hate change, I fucking loath it.
I just want things to be perfect forever... Why can't we continue to grow together? Why am I at this fucking cross road? I'm lusting after something thats not mine, and it's not fair.
I just want to grow, love, and be real without a fight.
I don't know if I can make anything right.

Another Thing

Four more days. Then I am done.
I will be back home forever.
And I will not miss another thing.

Those Who Throw Dirt, Only Lose Ground

This is my depth. Down to my very core. It is my inspiration, my beauty, my sole, my life. And most importantly its mine. Something that this heart, that keeps beating, very alive. But what if I lost this very thing? How would I cope? I wish I knew the answer. It's the very thing that frustrates me, drives me. Pushes me. How could it be so beautiful, so lively, so wonderful, while at the same time it constantly makes me think twice? It's just being so vulnerable scares me. It really does. I'm past that point though. It should be easy, right? Wrong. Anything easy isn't wonderful. Anything easy isn't meaningful. Anything easy isn't worth grieving. So I guess in my crazy thoughts I found the words. I found the answer I was looking for. It's scary, it's big, and most importantly its real. Life is happening. Wake up.

Swinging.

The stopping and thinking, the space between blinking, the time we take leisure and measure and rhyming and pleasure. The more I sotp to think the less I think I can stop. The act of stopping, the hesitation of going bearing a fine line between green and red, go and shouldn't. Bright green sunglasses, bright green english classes. I bet mispelling english is just fucking stupid. I'm not afraid to keep going. Being alone is terrifying and I won't let that stop me. I can't. The fact that it scares me is the same principal I base the fact that I cannot stop. I have to learn. I have to fear. I have to grow. the show must go. When I can finally write down what I think to the tune of only myself as the audience then I know I will be saying what I mean. This transparency can do nobody any justice. This menagerie is no benefit to anyone. Perpetuating the psychological predisposition that has been my greatest weakness since my moment of independent cognition - will do me no good.I'm changing. A lot. And its good. And its bad. And its painful. And its dangerous. And its new. And its exciting. And its terrifying. And its liberating. And its life altering. And I will come out the other end with both legs and arms and still breathing. Still running. Still swinging.

We Can't Fail If We Can Fix It

Facing the obvious is a lot like admitting you're wrong. You never want to do it, but it's always the right thing to do. Nobody insists on getting in trouble. Not smart people any way. But I can't keep myself from disassociating with the right way to do things. It's not that I make mistakes on purpose, that's a paradox. But I can't help but fuck up once in a while. There is such thing as a voluntary mistake. It's also known as idiocy. Its scary going through things you've never experienced before in your life. It makes you nervous. You second guess yourself. Its an arduous and often lonely journey. The ups and down in my life have increased in both intensity and frequency. None of it can stop me, but it will always make me stop and think.

The evermore careful,

- The evermore wise.

[tellmeyoulovemeplease]

{open your eyes}

I really don't have much to say, other than that. I'm glad I have old friends back in my life.

I'm moving forward.

I'm moving backwards.

And I've never been more excited.

Unbreakable

There is only one thing I despise more then alcohol, and that is drugs. Anything that puts you in an unsober state of mind, is not my cup of tea.

I'm tired of having relationships fall apart because someone needed to poison themselves, to just "forget" for a little while.

Any one who doesn't agree with me, well, I have no room for you in my life. I've said goodbye to numerous amounts of friends because they wanted to walk with the devil.

Laugh in my face, I don't care. I'm just throwing a big fuck you back.

I am not a bitch, I am a realist. I know what, and who matters, and the rest can go away... Maybe I take that back though, maybe I am a bitch, and a huge one at that. I will do, and say whatever I have to, to get farther in life. I am not about to be anyones door mat. Not ever again. Do something wrong, and I will sure as hell tell you.

These Are The Times

So maybe I don't write about my life everyday, or wear my heart on my sleeve. Perhaps I can't word things quite so beautifully anymore, nor do I talk to everyone about what's going on. All I know is I'm happy. I'm exactly where I want to be in my life now.
I have an amazing job, and I know what I'm doing for the rest of my life. My horse is finally doing better from surgery. And I have the most amazing boyfriend, friends and family in the world. So thank you everyone who is making my life a success. I truely owe you.

Love always.

I'm Ready Now

I love this person.
Come find me.

This Is When I Stop And Think.

Sometimes I take things for granted.

And I feel selfish.

But What Do I Care?

She's trying to live how she shouldn't, a life that just shouldn't be lived. I suppse some would state it as, "a life wasted." Someone who has so much potential but never really lives up to it. Why should she when the world is already at her fingertips. She's used to coming in second place, knows she's good but not the best. She believes she is pretty, but not beautiful. She settled to be liked instead of loved, just dying to be anyones lap dance. One could call her insecure, but they don't know this at all. They mistake her pain as beauty, and my god, she knows they would kill to see her fall.

Pictures Inspire, And Words Never Tire.

For my handsome, British,

love of my life.

I guess you could say I'm a little scared.. Okay, really scared. I don't want to be way up in the sky without you. I'm afraid that I will be nothing but an explosion in the sky, and you will never know my final thoughts.
I know its crazy. I know I will be perfectly safe. But I can't help but to always think, if I'm dying, I want to be dying in your arms.

Please don't be scared. We own the sky.

I hate spending a week apart. No loving will kill me. But maybe I'm just a pansy.
So just incase something should happen, I want this to be for you. One last rant about my love for you.

I told you a few nights ago that you are the one person who can either make me feel like the stupidest person in the world, or the most amazing. Thank you for making me feel like the second most often. I know I have my quirks. Parts of myself I wish I didn't have. But you love me for them. You love me for everything. And thats what makes you the most exceptional human being alive.

Thank you for making me feel beautiful, smart, talented, loved, safe, wanted, and treasured.

I promise you I will never stop loving you.
Ever.

You are the butter to my bread, and the breath to my life.
I love you, with all my heart.

And now you will always know.
Goodnight.