Those Who Throw Dirt, Only Lose Ground

This is my depth. Down to my very core. It is my inspiration, my beauty, my sole, my life. And most importantly its mine. Something that this heart, that keeps beating, very alive. But what if I lost this very thing? How would I cope? I wish I knew the answer. It's the very thing that frustrates me, drives me. Pushes me. How could it be so beautiful, so lively, so wonderful, while at the same time it constantly makes me think twice? It's just being so vulnerable scares me. It really does. I'm past that point though. It should be easy, right? Wrong. Anything easy isn't wonderful. Anything easy isn't meaningful. Anything easy isn't worth grieving. So I guess in my crazy thoughts I found the words. I found the answer I was looking for. It's scary, it's big, and most importantly its real. Life is happening. Wake up.

Swinging.

The stopping and thinking, the space between blinking, the time we take leisure and measure and rhyming and pleasure. The more I sotp to think the less I think I can stop. The act of stopping, the hesitation of going bearing a fine line between green and red, go and shouldn't. Bright green sunglasses, bright green english classes. I bet mispelling english is just fucking stupid. I'm not afraid to keep going. Being alone is terrifying and I won't let that stop me. I can't. The fact that it scares me is the same principal I base the fact that I cannot stop. I have to learn. I have to fear. I have to grow. the show must go. When I can finally write down what I think to the tune of only myself as the audience then I know I will be saying what I mean. This transparency can do nobody any justice. This menagerie is no benefit to anyone. Perpetuating the psychological predisposition that has been my greatest weakness since my moment of independent cognition - will do me no good.I'm changing. A lot. And its good. And its bad. And its painful. And its dangerous. And its new. And its exciting. And its terrifying. And its liberating. And its life altering. And I will come out the other end with both legs and arms and still breathing. Still running. Still swinging.

We Can't Fail If We Can Fix It

Facing the obvious is a lot like admitting you're wrong. You never want to do it, but it's always the right thing to do. Nobody insists on getting in trouble. Not smart people any way. But I can't keep myself from disassociating with the right way to do things. It's not that I make mistakes on purpose, that's a paradox. But I can't help but fuck up once in a while. There is such thing as a voluntary mistake. It's also known as idiocy. Its scary going through things you've never experienced before in your life. It makes you nervous. You second guess yourself. Its an arduous and often lonely journey. The ups and down in my life have increased in both intensity and frequency. None of it can stop me, but it will always make me stop and think.

The evermore careful,

- The evermore wise.

[tellmeyoulovemeplease]

{open your eyes}

I really don't have much to say, other than that. I'm glad I have old friends back in my life.

I'm moving forward.

I'm moving backwards.

And I've never been more excited.