Walk On Water Or Drown

(And everybody knows, this is the part of breaking down in anybody's arms.

I'm reaching down and hoping this one's ours.

God, please let this stay.)

Happiness, you see, is just an illusion of Fate,
a heavenly slight of hand designed to make you believe in fairy tales.
But there's no happily ever after.
You'll only find happy endings in books. Some books..

I Cut to focus when my brain is racing.
I cut to make physical what i feel inside.
I cut to see blood because i like it.
I dont like to cut, but i cant give it up.

Act on your impulse

swallow the bottle

cut a little deeper
put the gun to your chest.

Have you ever had so much to say

that your mouth closed up tight,

struggling to harness the nuclear force

coalescing within your words?

Have you ever

had so many thoughts
churning inside that you didn't
dare let them escape,
in case they blew you wide open?

Funny thing, your brain,

how it always functions on one
level or another. How, even stuck in
some sort of subconscious limbo, it works
your lungs, your muscle twitches, your heart,
in fact, in symphony with your heart, allowing it
to feel love. Pain. Jealousy. Guilt.

I hate this feeling. Like I'm here, but I'm not.

Like someone cares. But they don't.

Like I belong somewhere else, anywhere but here,

and escape lies just past that snowy window,

cool and crisp as the February air.

Life is all about change.

If it were static, think about how boring it would be.

You can't be afraid of it, and you can't worry that you'll mess things up.

You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them

The monster will forever speak

to me. And today,

it's calling me out the door.

It Never Hurts To Ask, Unless You Ask For Hurt

(I always wish you thought of me like this..)

My mind is funny.

No words.

Not functional.

Just The Way I'm Not

(I want this so bad...)

I want the part of you that you refuse to give.

I Never Expected You To Relate, Just To Smile When You Pretended To.

(I say it all the time, but may I say it again?

I want to be her.)

It's give and take until you've given more than you could ever dream of having.

And every breath I take is carefully guided from my lips, to yours.

I want to be your life support when all else fails.

I'll hook you up to the IV, lay you down on the gurney, and kiss your eyes closed.

Nothing is more/less attractive then helplessness.

It's too bad beauty pageants aren't held in hospital wings.

Robes as dresses, needles as necklaces, and rubber bands to hold up their tresses.

High heels are replaced with cold heels against lime scented tile.

It's much easier to turn and wave without the threat of falling flat on your face.

This morning I cried myself to sleep just to forget about last night.

The way I cleverly crafted myself into every person I have ever hated mixed into one.

The only thing I hate more than liars are hypocrites. Fakes.

What do you have left if not your face?

You can cry wolf all you want, but every time you do, I'm looking straight at you.

This mess was made by two. Not too much alcohol or deception.

This was the result of heads thinking too much. Of hearts loving too fast.

Our bodies are stripped and laid out to rest.

Darling, this is love, not a contest.

But you've challenged every move I made, watched me fall, and shoved it in my face.

Make me out to be the bad guy all you want, because in the end, you and I both know the truth.

Make sure what you're playing with is something you're willing to lose.

I don't need a constant. There's no such thing as love anyway's. Just an occasional fuck should be all I need. You took every last piece of me and promised to change. What's left now? A broken girl swimming in the blue.

I always did enjoy flirting with the monster. The way it tempts me into painful crimson highs, and tiny blue pill downers. Just you, me and my medication. The white ones to function, the orange ones to breathe, and the blue ones to sleep. My Chemical Romance. Ha. I get it now.

He's half way done his job. The one who helps me self destruct. The one who sees every inch of my naked body, areas filled with fresh red scabs, and says nothing at all. No questions asked. I won't tell if he won't tell.

It's funny how I've never felt more alone.

But I know you're watching over me.. It's almost been a year and I still don't know how to function. You always knew what to say. How to make me laugh. The one who made me feel like I was an artist and that I could make it through..

Whenever I see your truck when I'm driving, I always find myself hoping its you in the driver seat. Why did you do it? Why did you get out of that truck and jump?

Now you're laying cold in the ground with me wishing I had your help.

Come back to me.

You were the only one who ever understood me.

There's One Thing I want To Say, So I'll Be Brave...

And I love you so much.

I can't get all your wonderfulness out of my head.
Stay there forever.

RIP Uncle Brent

As much as I want to believe everything happens for a reason, I find it really hard to do sometimes. People say that good things are meant to come out of the bad events in life, but I don’t understand why someone’s life has to be sacrificed for the price of happiness in the future. I don’t see how that makes anyone happy. This very second, thousands of people in the world are crying over the loss of a loved one. Those are the people who are dealing with real pain. Pain they won’t be able to over come after a few hours of mourning. So please, tell me this. When is happiness going to come back into their life? When will they have a reason to smile again? I know good and bad things happen to everyone, I just want to know why someone has to deal with the bad in order to feel the good?

I could write novels about pain. Not the kind of pain you get when you break your arm, but the kind that makes your broken heart go into your throat, so that it takes all of your energy and concentration to breathe. The kind of pain that makes you want to scream and sob at the same time. The kind of pain that makes you want to hurt everyone around you because you're suffering and they're not; because they can breathe without feeling guilty and hold a normal conversation without breaking down into fits of tears or rage. A pain that bites it's tongue and nods acceptingly when asked if okay.

Nothings been the same since that morning. Nothing. And nothing ever will be again. It haunts me every night since you've been gone. Since you jumped off that bridge. The night terrors, the voices in my head. I want it to stop. I NEED it to stop.

The feelings of being so completely vulnerable to not only everyone, but everything. One false move and a break down into a complete fit of hysterics. I'm terrified of losing more people I love. Or just anyone in my life at all. I can't handle that. I just can't. I need the pain to go away.

Hello, Monster. My old friend. Hello razors, and an addiction I wish I could stop. When you took your life, Uncle Brent. You took mine, and a lot of your other families as well. I want to live on in your honor. I feel like I need to hold onto your pain for you. I need to be strong for you.

I know you are with me, and I know you want me to just be happy.. And I want to make you proud. Do I ever want to make you proud. It's so hard without you here. Where is my hope? My faith? Where did all my dreams go? Where did you go?

I miss you so much. I wish I could have fixed the nightmare inside your head.

It's so hard to carry on without you... But I know I have to be strong..

Hope, I'm coming to find you.