As much as I want to believe everything happens for a reason, I find it really hard to do sometimes. People say that good things are meant to come out of the bad events in life, but I don’t understand why someone’s life has to be sacrificed for the price of happiness in the future. I don’t see how that makes anyone happy. This very second, thousands of people in the world are crying over the loss of a loved one. Those are the people who are dealing with real pain. Pain they won’t be able to over come after a few hours of mourning. So please, tell me this. When is happiness going to come back into their life? When will they have a reason to smile again? I know good and bad things happen to everyone, I just want to know why someone has to deal with the bad in order to feel the good?
I could write novels about pain. Not the kind of pain you get when you break your arm, but the kind that makes your broken heart go into your throat, so that it takes all of your energy and concentration to breathe. The kind of pain that makes you want to scream and sob at the same time. The kind of pain that makes you want to hurt everyone around you because you're suffering and they're not; because they can breathe without feeling guilty and hold a normal conversation without breaking down into fits of tears or rage. A pain that bites it's tongue and nods acceptingly when asked if okay.
Nothings been the same since that morning. Nothing. And nothing ever will be again. It haunts me every night since you've been gone. Since you jumped off that bridge. The night terrors, the voices in my head. I want it to stop. I NEED it to stop.
The feelings of being so completely vulnerable to not only everyone, but everything. One false move and a break down into a complete fit of hysterics. I'm terrified of losing more people I love. Or just anyone in my life at all. I can't handle that. I just can't. I need the pain to go away.
Hello, Monster. My old friend. Hello razors, and an addiction I wish I could stop. When you took your life, Uncle Brent. You took mine, and a lot of your other families as well. I want to live on in your honor. I feel like I need to hold onto your pain for you. I need to be strong for you.
I know you are with me, and I know you want me to just be happy.. And I want to make you proud. Do I ever want to make you proud. It's so hard without you here. Where is my hope? My faith? Where did all my dreams go? Where did you go?
I miss you so much. I wish I could have fixed the nightmare inside your head.
It's so hard to carry on without you... But I know I have to be strong..
Hope, I'm coming to find you.
