The Things That Make Your Skin Crawl

Some people are fucking monsters.

I can't believe how cruel some people can be. Cyber-bullying needs to be stopped. I can't believe how much this story has affected me. Such a beautiful soul, lost at such a young age. I wish I could make everyone's pain go away. I wish suicide didn't exist. I wish I could inject everyone with some form of hope.

I used to think my happiness and hope would only come from someone else, only very recently did I actually discover I can have hope and be happy alone. It was a scary transition, with some cuts and bruises along the way. But I made it through. I wish everyone knew that all you have to do is hold on.

Who knew it was within me.

I did something several months ago that I regret. And I lost one of my closest friends because of it. I finally had the courage to own up to what I did. I apologized. I know it's not much, but it's a step in the right direction. Of course I can never be certain if he'll actually ever forgive me or not. But I do miss white houses, and the way he could say one thing to completely change my perspective on something. It's strange to think that something has lasted almost four years after all we've put each other through. I am so glad I've been able to have such a beautiful and meaningful friendship with a truly amazing person. Even if we never spoke again, I am so thankful for the time that we did have together.

It Was Just How You Looked In The Light

And sometimes all the lit houses I walk by, I'm just dying to be inside.

I'm too green to feel blue. Random letters string a long to form a sentence, as ransom notes fall off of your tongue. Your love would be Hell, but it's just not hot enough baby. My head is a giant mess of happiness and fucked-up-ness. 

One pill to breathe, another to sleep, and the last one to feel okay in my skin again. You're not even bad news, you're old news. That's just my heart I keep choking on, as three little words continuously get stuck. It was never me, it was always you. 

TrueFuckingLove

If You Don't Stand for Something, You'll Fall for Anything

And finally, this question...The mystery of whose story it will be...Of who draws the curtain. Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance? Who drives us mad, lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it...that tells all these things? 

Who honors those we love for the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us and who holds the key that can set us free? It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight.

I am someone I never thought I'd become. Confident. Cut throat. Beautiful. You hold your own fate in your hands. You choose where you are going. You decide how successful you are going to be.

Stop obsessing about the flaws that no one sees, let alone cares about. Everyone else is too selfish and too caught up in their own world to care. And why should they? What do they matter to you? Absolutely nothing. 

Fight your own battles.

This Is What You Get, When You Fuck With Us.

for a minute there I lost myself.

It was like a time bomb set into motion

we knew that we were destined to explode

And if I had to pull you out of the wreckage

You know I'm never going to let you go.

The Pros And Cons Of Breathing

I think my actions through, very thoroughly. Every action has a reaction. Do I know what I'm about to cause? Yes.

And did you hear the news? I could dissect you, and gut you on this stage not as eloquent as I may have imagined, but it will get the job done - you're done. Every line is plotted and designed to leave you standing on your bedroom window's ledge. And everyone else that it hits, that it gets to is nothing more than collateral damage.

I'm sorry for being so shitty

Sweetie, You Had Me.

Don't you dare remember me, when you start forgetting her.

My Year Of Thought

(This tree is for you, and its for me.

I understand why Redwoods are your favorite.

Tall and lanky just like you,

healthy, strong and long living just like me.)

You have inspired me so much. I can't believe its been a year since you have left us. You always pushed me to be the best I could be. We helped each other be okay again. Although you let the Monster take you over, I will fight for us, and for the people who went through the same thing we did. I will fight in your honour to end the stigma. I promise I wont let you down.

"Yes, when you see for the first time, a great laughter arises in you - the laughter about the whole ridiculousness of your misery, the laughter about the whole foolishness of your problems, the laughter about the whole absurdity of your suffering." - Osho

A lot has happened. So much in the past year its crazy to think about. Scary almost. I've become a strong, confident "young lady". Every shitty thing possible that could have happened, did happen. And you know what? I'm thankful. I realized just how strong I could be. I was beaten, and broken and I built myself back up again.

But I'm so thankful for all the amazing things that happened, for all the opportunity and experiences I got. Arizona, grooming, helping save animals lives, fighting for animal rights, and now back to school. A year of philosophy and meditation and learning my values.

I did stupid, idiotic things, but I also made pieces of art. I lost my way, and gained life experience. I thought I didn't believe in love any more. All of my knowledge has come from this year. I am a better person for it.

"In a cinema hall, you look at the screen, you never look at the back - the projector is at the back. The film is not there really on the screen; it is just a projection of shadow and light. The film exists just at the back, but you never look at that. And the projector is there. Your mind is at the back of the whole thing, and the mind is the projector. But you always look at the other, because the other is the screen. When you are in love the person seems beautiful, no comparison. When you hate, the same person seems the ugliest, and you never become aware of how the same person can be the ugliest and the same person can be the most beautiful.... So the only way to reach to truth is to learn how to be immediate in your vision, how to drop the help of the mind. This agency of the mind is the problem, because mind can create only dreams.... Through your excitement the dream starts looking like reality. If you are too excited then you are intoxicated, then you are not in your senses. Then whatsoever you see is just your projection. And there are as many worlds as there are minds, because every mind lives in his own world."

I Fall Between Sizes.

Blah. Blah. Blah. Enough said right?

Safe And Sound.

(You're still an innocent)

I remember tears streaming down your face

when I said, "I'll never let you go".

When all those shadows almost killed your light

I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone."

But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling

Everything's on fire

The war outside our door keeps raging on

Hold onto this lullaby

Even when this music's gone.

(No matter what.... I promise.)

I Took Some Of This, And Some Of That.

(I would love this... In my dream home, my dream man

would make me this dream room.

Who doesn't love the dark?)

I'm about to ramble. I don't care. I've given up on poetry and prose and all things beautiful.

Trust is such a tricky thing. Especially when you have a brain like mine. It wants to trust. And to feel trusted back.

The slightest thing will completely disarm my brain and the walls go back up. Then down. Then up and down again. It never makes up its mind. Do I trust, or don't I trust?

But I'm still happy. Going with what comes at me.

And I guess that's all that really matters.

If You're Not Casting A Shadow, You're Not Standing In The Light

I've finally slowed down, I've finally taken that important deep breath. I've stopped caring what other people think. What comes around goes around, I strongly believe that.

I'm in the prime of my life. I don't care if you don't like my personality, or the way I am. There are so many important people in my life who do. I'm finally changing. Opening my eyes for the first time. And it feels so good. I've spent too much of my life worrying about other people, putting their needs and wants in front of my own. I'm confident enough to stand up for myself now. No one can make me feel sad, angry, anxious or upset.

It's 2012 and I'm finally living for me. Doing what I love the most. And it feels so damn good. I'm not going to worry over every little thing any more. Everything happens for a reason. You just gotta buckle in for the ride.

The Amazing Moments In Life;

1) Coming home late and going straight to bed

2) Buying amazing clothes you found on sale

3) Holding hands

4) Unexpected moments that become your favourite memories

5) Talking on the phone till 5 in the morning

6) Resting on someone's chest.

7) Taking long showers that wash away your worries

8) Feeling as though you finally belong somewhere

9) Deciding what you want to do with your life

10) Feeling satisfied after a delicious meal

11) Falling asleep instantly when you're upset

12) Meeting people that happen to change your life

13) When you have a great night of sleep

14) Drinking a cup of tea

15) Realizing everything is going to be okay.

Stay happy, stay safe.