Misguided Ghosts

My Year Of Thought

2012-02-06T22:48:00.003-07:00

(This tree is for you, and its for me.

I understand why Redwoods are your favorite.

Tall and lanky just like you,

healthy, strong and long living just like me.)

You have inspired me so much. I can't believe its been a year since you have left us. You always pushed me to be the best I could be. We helped each other be okay again. Although you let the Monster take you over, I will fight for us, and for the people who went through the same thing we did. I will fight in your honour to end the stigma. I promise I wont let you down.

"Yes, when you see for the first time, a great laughter arises in you - the laughter about the whole ridiculousness of your misery, the laughter about the whole foolishness of your problems, the laughter about the whole absurdity of your suffering." - Osho

A lot has happened. So much in the past year its crazy to think about. Scary almost. I've become a strong, confident "young lady". Every shitty thing possible that could have happened, did happen. And you know what? I'm thankful. I realized just how strong I could be. I was beaten, and broken and I built myself back up again.

But I'm so thankful for all the amazing things that happened, for all the opportunity and experiences I got. Arizona, grooming, helping save animals lives, fighting for animal rights, and now back to school. A year of philosophy and meditation and learning my values.

I did stupid, idiotic things, but I also made pieces of art. I lost my way, and gained life experience. I thought I didn't believe in love any more. All of my knowledge has come from this year. I am a better person for it.

"In a cinema hall, you look at the screen, you never look at the back - the projector is at the back. The film is not there really on the screen; it is just a projection of shadow and light. The film exists just at the back, but you never look at that. And the projector is there. Your mind is at the back of the whole thing, and the mind is the projector. But you always look at the other, because the other is the screen. When you are in love the person seems beautiful, no comparison. When you hate, the same person seems the ugliest, and you never become aware of how the same person can be the ugliest and the same person can be the most beautiful.... So the only way to reach to truth is to learn how to be immediate in your vision, how to drop the help of the mind. This agency of the mind is the problem, because mind can create only dreams.... Through your excitement the dream starts looking like reality. If you are too excited then you are intoxicated, then you are not in your senses. Then whatsoever you see is just your projection. And there are as many worlds as there are minds, because every mind lives in his own world."

I Fall Between Sizes.

2012-01-29T00:22:00.001-07:00

Blah. Blah. Blah. Enough said right?

Safe And Sound.

2012-01-22T20:32:00.002-07:00

(You're still an innocent)

I remember tears streaming down your face

when I said, "I'll never let you go".

When all those shadows almost killed your light

I remember you said, "Don't leave me here alone."

But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling

Everything's on fire

The war outside our door keeps raging on

Hold onto this lullaby

Even when this music's gone.

(No matter what.... I promise.)

I Took Some Of This, And Some Of That.

2012-01-20T22:42:00.002-07:00

(I would love this... In my dream home, my dream man

would make me this dream room.

Who doesn't love the dark?)

I'm about to ramble. I don't care. I've given up on poetry and prose and all things beautiful.

Trust is such a tricky thing. Especially when you have a brain like mine. It wants to trust. And to feel trusted back.

The slightest thing will completely disarm my brain and the walls go back up. Then down. Then up and down again. It never makes up its mind. Do I trust, or don't I trust?

But I'm still happy. Going with what comes at me.

And I guess that's all that really matters.

If You're Not Casting A Shadow, You're Not Standing In The Light

2012-01-15T16:39:00.003-07:00

I've finally slowed down, I've finally taken that important deep breath. I've stopped caring what other people think. What comes around goes around, I strongly believe that.

I'm in the prime of my life. I don't care if you don't like my personality, or the way I am. There are so many important people in my life who do. I'm finally changing. Opening my eyes for the first time. And it feels so good. I've spent too much of my life worrying about other people, putting their needs and wants in front of my own. I'm confident enough to stand up for myself now. No one can make me feel sad, angry, anxious or upset.

It's 2012 and I'm finally living for me. Doing what I love the most. And it feels so damn good. I'm not going to worry over every little thing any more. Everything happens for a reason. You just gotta buckle in for the ride.

The Amazing Moments In Life;

1) Coming home late and going straight to bed

2) Buying amazing clothes you found on sale

3) Holding hands

4) Unexpected moments that become your favourite memories

5) Talking on the phone till 5 in the morning

6) Resting on someone's chest.

7) Taking long showers that wash away your worries

8) Feeling as though you finally belong somewhere

9) Deciding what you want to do with your life

10) Feeling satisfied after a delicious meal

11) Falling asleep instantly when you're upset

12) Meeting people that happen to change your life

13) When you have a great night of sleep

14) Drinking a cup of tea

15) Realizing everything is going to be okay.

Stay happy, stay safe.

Walk On Water Or Drown

2011-12-19T23:03:00.002-07:00

(And everybody knows, this is the part of breaking down in anybody's arms.

I'm reaching down and hoping this one's ours.

God, please let this stay.)

Happiness, you see, is just an illusion of Fate,
a heavenly slight of hand designed to make you believe in fairy tales.
But there's no happily ever after.
You'll only find happy endings in books. Some books..

I Cut to focus when my brain is racing.
I cut to make physical what i feel inside.
I cut to see blood because i like it.
I dont like to cut, but i cant give it up.

Act on your impulse

swallow the bottle

cut a little deeper
put the gun to your chest.

Have you ever had so much to say

that your mouth closed up tight,

struggling to harness the nuclear force

coalescing within your words?

Have you ever

had so many thoughts
churning inside that you didn't
dare let them escape,
in case they blew you wide open?

Funny thing, your brain,

how it always functions on one
level or another. How, even stuck in
some sort of subconscious limbo, it works
your lungs, your muscle twitches, your heart,
in fact, in symphony with your heart, allowing it
to feel love. Pain. Jealousy. Guilt.

I hate this feeling. Like I'm here, but I'm not.

Like someone cares. But they don't.

Like I belong somewhere else, anywhere but here,

and escape lies just past that snowy window,

cool and crisp as the February air.

Life is all about change.

If it were static, think about how boring it would be.

You can't be afraid of it, and you can't worry that you'll mess things up.

You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them

The monster will forever speak

to me. And today,
it's calling me out the door.

It Never Hurts To Ask, Unless You Ask For Hurt

2011-12-13T22:33:00.002-07:00

(I always wish you thought of me like this..)

My mind is funny.

No words.

Not functional.

Just The Way I'm Not

2011-12-12T00:17:00.001-07:00

(I want this so bad...)

I want the part of you that you refuse to give.

I Never Expected You To Relate, Just To Smile When You Pretended To.

2011-12-10T16:59:00.002-07:00

(I say it all the time, but may I say it again?

I want to be her.)

It's give and take until you've given more than you could ever dream of having.

And every breath I take is carefully guided from my lips, to yours.

I want to be your life support when all else fails.

I'll hook you up to the IV, lay you down on the gurney, and kiss your eyes closed.

Nothing is more/less attractive then helplessness.

It's too bad beauty pageants aren't held in hospital wings.

Robes as dresses, needles as necklaces, and rubber bands to hold up their tresses.

High heels are replaced with cold heels against lime scented tile.

It's much easier to turn and wave without the threat of falling flat on your face.

This morning I cried myself to sleep just to forget about last night.

The way I cleverly crafted myself into every person I have ever hated mixed into one.

The only thing I hate more than liars are hypocrites. Fakes.

What do you have left if not your face?

You can cry wolf all you want, but every time you do, I'm looking straight at you.

This mess was made by two. Not too much alcohol or deception.

This was the result of heads thinking too much. Of hearts loving too fast.

Our bodies are stripped and laid out to rest.

Darling, this is love, not a contest.

But you've challenged every move I made, watched me fall, and shoved it in my face.

Make me out to be the bad guy all you want, because in the end, you and I both know the truth.

Make sure what you're playing with is something you're willing to lose.

I don't need a constant. There's no such thing as love anyway's. Just an occasional fuck should be all I need. You took every last piece of me and promised to change. What's left now? A broken girl swimming in the blue.

I always did enjoy flirting with the monster. The way it tempts me into painful crimson highs, and tiny blue pill downers. Just you, me and my medication. The white ones to function, the orange ones to breathe, and the blue ones to sleep. My Chemical Romance. Ha. I get it now.

He's half way done his job. The one who helps me self destruct. The one who sees every inch of my naked body, areas filled with fresh red scabs, and says nothing at all. No questions asked. I won't tell if he won't tell.

It's funny how I've never felt more alone.

But I know you're watching over me.. It's almost been a year and I still don't know how to function. You always knew what to say. How to make me laugh. The one who made me feel like I was an artist and that I could make it through..

Whenever I see your truck when I'm driving, I always find myself hoping its you in the driver seat. Why did you do it? Why did you get out of that truck and jump?

Now you're laying cold in the ground with me wishing I had your help.

Come back to me.

You were the only one who ever understood me.

There's One Thing I want To Say, So I'll Be Brave...

2011-05-16T22:53:00.002-06:00

And I love you so much.

I can't get all your wonderfulness out of my head.
Stay there forever.

RIP Uncle Brent

2011-03-13T22:03:00.002-06:00

As much as I want to believe everything happens for a reason, I find it really hard to do sometimes. People say that good things are meant to come out of the bad events in life, but I don’t understand why someone’s life has to be sacrificed for the price of happiness in the future. I don’t see how that makes anyone happy. This very second, thousands of people in the world are crying over the loss of a loved one. Those are the people who are dealing with real pain. Pain they won’t be able to over come after a few hours of mourning. So please, tell me this. When is happiness going to come back into their life? When will they have a reason to smile again? I know good and bad things happen to everyone, I just want to know why someone has to deal with the bad in order to feel the good?

I could write novels about pain. Not the kind of pain you get when you break your arm, but the kind that makes your broken heart go into your throat, so that it takes all of your energy and concentration to breathe. The kind of pain that makes you want to scream and sob at the same time. The kind of pain that makes you want to hurt everyone around you because you're suffering and they're not; because they can breathe without feeling guilty and hold a normal conversation without breaking down into fits of tears or rage. A pain that bites it's tongue and nods acceptingly when asked if okay.

Nothings been the same since that morning. Nothing. And nothing ever will be again. It haunts me every night since you've been gone. Since you jumped off that bridge. The night terrors, the voices in my head. I want it to stop. I NEED it to stop.

The feelings of being so completely vulnerable to not only everyone, but everything. One false move and a break down into a complete fit of hysterics. I'm terrified of losing more people I love. Or just anyone in my life at all. I can't handle that. I just can't. I need the pain to go away.

Hello, Monster. My old friend. Hello razors, and an addiction I wish I could stop. When you took your life, Uncle Brent. You took mine, and a lot of your other families as well. I want to live on in your honor. I feel like I need to hold onto your pain for you. I need to be strong for you.

I know you are with me, and I know you want me to just be happy.. And I want to make you proud. Do I ever want to make you proud. It's so hard without you here. Where is my hope? My faith? Where did all my dreams go? Where did you go?

I miss you so much. I wish I could have fixed the nightmare inside your head.

It's so hard to carry on without you... But I know I have to be strong..

Hope, I'm coming to find you.

I Like It.

2010-10-05T23:26:00.002-06:00

Love and electricity are one in the same. My dear, if you do not feel the jolt in your soul every time a kiss is shared, a whisper is spoken, and touch is felt, then you’re not really in love at all.

Maybe someday I will realize the potential between us, secret friends. But I must admit, I have a secret that I would die before I told you. It falls on forbidden lips that are dying to be kissed. By you, and only you. A crave for lustful hugs, where two bodies shouldn't have met. It's a case of "if things were different..." But they're not. And wishes fall on deaf ears. This is me between the lines of reality and fantasy, lusting after both. Unfair and cruel, just like our relationship.

So Long

2010-05-30T00:58:00.002-06:00

I've never been more proud of you, and I've never hated myself as much as this. Why can't things stay the same? I hate change, I fucking loath it.
I just want things to be perfect forever... Why can't we continue to grow together? Why am I at this fucking cross road? I'm lusting after something thats not mine, and it's not fair.
I just want to grow, love, and be real without a fight.
I don't know if I can make anything right.

Another Thing

2010-05-24T13:55:00.001-06:00

Four more days. Then I am done.
I will be back home forever.
And I will not miss another thing.

Those Who Throw Dirt, Only Lose Ground

2010-04-28T23:59:00.003-06:00

This is my depth. Down to my very core. It is my inspiration, my beauty, my sole, my life. And most importantly its mine. Something that this heart, that keeps beating, very alive. But what if I lost this very thing? How would I cope? I wish I knew the answer. It's the very thing that frustrates me, drives me. Pushes me. How could it be so beautiful, so lively, so wonderful, while at the same time it constantly makes me think twice? It's just being so vulnerable scares me. It really does. I'm past that point though. It should be easy, right? Wrong. Anything easy isn't wonderful. Anything easy isn't meaningful. Anything easy isn't worth grieving. So I guess in my crazy thoughts I found the words. I found the answer I was looking for. It's scary, it's big, and most importantly its real. Life is happening. Wake up.

Swinging.

2010-04-06T22:50:00.002-06:00

The stopping and thinking, the space between blinking, the time we take leisure and measure and rhyming and pleasure. The more I sotp to think the less I think I can stop. The act of stopping, the hesitation of going bearing a fine line between green and red, go and shouldn't. Bright green sunglasses, bright green english classes. I bet mispelling english is just fucking stupid. I'm not afraid to keep going. Being alone is terrifying and I won't let that stop me. I can't. The fact that it scares me is the same principal I base the fact that I cannot stop. I have to learn. I have to fear. I have to grow. the show must go. When I can finally write down what I think to the tune of only myself as the audience then I know I will be saying what I mean. This transparency can do nobody any justice. This menagerie is no benefit to anyone. Perpetuating the psychological predisposition that has been my greatest weakness since my moment of independent cognition - will do me no good.I'm changing. A lot. And its good. And its bad. And its painful. And its dangerous. And its new. And its exciting. And its terrifying. And its liberating. And its life altering. And I will come out the other end with both legs and arms and still breathing. Still running. Still swinging.

We Can't Fail If We Can Fix It

2010-04-06T12:45:00.001-06:00

Facing the obvious is a lot like admitting you're wrong. You never want to do it, but it's always the right thing to do. Nobody insists on getting in trouble. Not smart people any way. But I can't keep myself from disassociating with the right way to do things. It's not that I make mistakes on purpose, that's a paradox. But I can't help but fuck up once in a while. There is such thing as a voluntary mistake. It's also known as idiocy. Its scary going through things you've never experienced before in your life. It makes you nervous. You second guess yourself. Its an arduous and often lonely journey. The ups and down in my life have increased in both intensity and frequency. None of it can stop me, but it will always make me stop and think.

The evermore careful,

- The evermore wise.

[tellmeyoulovemeplease]

2010-04-04T23:41:00.003-06:00

{open your eyes}

I really don't have much to say, other than that. I'm glad I have old friends back in my life.

I'm moving forward.

I'm moving backwards.

And I've never been more excited.

Unbreakable

2010-03-26T22:52:00.002-06:00

There is only one thing I despise more then alcohol, and that is drugs. Anything that puts you in an unsober state of mind, is not my cup of tea.

I'm tired of having relationships fall apart because someone needed to poison themselves, to just "forget" for a little while.

Any one who doesn't agree with me, well, I have no room for you in my life. I've said goodbye to numerous amounts of friends because they wanted to walk with the devil.

Laugh in my face, I don't care. I'm just throwing a big fuck you back.

I am not a bitch, I am a realist. I know what, and who matters, and the rest can go away... Maybe I take that back though, maybe I am a bitch, and a huge one at that. I will do, and say whatever I have to, to get farther in life. I am not about to be anyones door mat. Not ever again. Do something wrong, and I will sure as hell tell you.

These Are The Times

2010-03-16T23:28:00.002-06:00

So maybe I don't write about my life everyday, or wear my heart on my sleeve. Perhaps I can't word things quite so beautifully anymore, nor do I talk to everyone about what's going on. All I know is I'm happy. I'm exactly where I want to be in my life now.
I have an amazing job, and I know what I'm doing for the rest of my life. My horse is finally doing better from surgery. And I have the most amazing boyfriend, friends and family in the world. So thank you everyone who is making my life a success. I truely owe you.

Love always.

I'm Ready Now

2010-02-14T01:01:00.001-07:00

I love this person.
Come find me.

This Is When I Stop And Think.

2010-02-10T17:55:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I take things for granted.

And I feel selfish.

But What Do I Care?

2010-01-25T01:00:00.001-07:00

She's trying to live how she shouldn't, a life that just shouldn't be lived. I suppse some would state it as, "a life wasted." Someone who has so much potential but never really lives up to it. Why should she when the world is already at her fingertips. She's used to coming in second place, knows she's good but not the best. She believes she is pretty, but not beautiful. She settled to be liked instead of loved, just dying to be anyones lap dance. One could call her insecure, but they don't know this at all. They mistake her pain as beauty, and my god, she knows they would kill to see her fall.

Pictures Inspire, And Words Never Tire.

2010-01-12T23:31:00.003-07:00

For my handsome, British,

love of my life.

I guess you could say I'm a little scared.. Okay, really scared. I don't want to be way up in the sky without you. I'm afraid that I will be nothing but an explosion in the sky, and you will never know my final thoughts.
I know its crazy. I know I will be perfectly safe. But I can't help but to always think, if I'm dying, I want to be dying in your arms.

Please don't be scared. We own the sky.

I hate spending a week apart. No loving will kill me. But maybe I'm just a pansy.
So just incase something should happen, I want this to be for you. One last rant about my love for you.

I told you a few nights ago that you are the one person who can either make me feel like the stupidest person in the world, or the most amazing. Thank you for making me feel like the second most often. I know I have my quirks. Parts of myself I wish I didn't have. But you love me for them. You love me for everything. And thats what makes you the most exceptional human being alive.

Thank you for making me feel beautiful, smart, talented, loved, safe, wanted, and treasured.

I promise you I will never stop loving you.
Ever.

You are the butter to my bread, and the breath to my life.
I love you, with all my heart.

And now you will always know.
Goodnight.

She's Perfect, So Flawless

2009-12-16T23:50:00.004-07:00

(I like to pretend

I'm

heroic)

Love every scar, it's a trophy that proves how human we are. Love every scar, there's one for you, wherever you are. Everybody wants to see you shine, sad eyes.

I wish I could write heroic tales. Something of bravery and romance, with fairytale endings. But no such luck falls into my hands. Cheap shots and heavy thoughts, nothing fit for a kingdom. I willed my eyes shut, and dreamed of you. Something like a lucky star.

Now You Know

2009-11-19T00:03:00.002-07:00

Let me be the first to say,

I love how you love me,

every single way.

Happy 6 months.

And many more to come.

Two Is Better Then One.

2009-11-05T01:08:00.002-07:00

I'm finally now believing.

Thank you for loving me.

I promised you forever.

I intend to keep that promise.

Always.

6 Months

2009-10-30T00:13:00.002-06:00

These are the things that keep me up at night.

You're the direction I follow to get home

When I feel like I can't go on, you tell me to go

And it's like I can't feel a thing without you around

And don't mind me if I get weak in the knees

'cause you have that effect on me, you do

Everything you say

Every time we kiss, I can't think straight

But I'm okay

And I can't think of anybody else

Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you

Months going strong now, and no goodbye

Unconditional, unoriginal

Always by my side

Meant to be together

Meant for no one but each other

You love me, I love you harder so....

So please, give me your hands

So please, give me a lesson on how to steal, steal a heart

As fast as you stole mine, as you stole mine.

Anticipation and butterflies keep me awake. I love knowing you can still do that to me. I still hate the days where I can't be by your side, call me love sick.

I think I have H1N1, fever, sore throat, dry cough, dizzy. Perhaps this is the number one thing keeping me awake right now. It always makes me super nervous when Im sick. Always afraid Im going to die or something, I'm not sure.

Goodnight world.

You Brought Down My Whole Kingdom.

2009-10-15T00:28:00.001-06:00

Maybe I have everything figured out...

Maybe I don't...

(Either way, I feel okay)

You Make It Real For Me.

2009-10-07T00:07:00.003-06:00

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say

Fact:

-You mean the world to me.

-I can't wait for our weekend getaway.

-I just want Piper to hurry up and get better!

-I'm happy with who I have become.

-I miss a lot of old friends.

- When you take pictures of me I always feel beautiful.

Fiction:

-I adore getting heavy hay bails at six in the morning.

(I don't have much to complain about)

Playing God.

2009-10-03T22:15:00.002-06:00

We shared that summer. I loved him with everything I had. We spent that summer in his red truck. But after that summer he went away, and I had to let go.

I remember my first kiss.

I remember my first love.

Sometimes I get so confused, and I become so angry with myself. "Why don't you know what to do?" Runs through my mind. I hate weighing the pros and cons of every situation, what if I get something wrong? I don't want to be wrong, I don't ever want to be wrong.

Ever.

Oh My Darling

2009-10-03T00:33:00.002-06:00

We like to go shopping for books

together.

You Are The Yellow Bird I've Been Waiting For

2009-09-30T23:52:00.001-06:00

The rain has a funny way of smelling like you.

Not all things are meant to be beautiful, some things are awful. It's your job to find the beauty in everything though. Be creative, color outside the lines. Don't make sense. It's okay. It's all okay. Find a lighter shade of blue.

Times are changing.

Everything Was In Slow Motion.

2009-09-26T00:26:00.003-06:00

But I am happy.

(Maybe it’s sad that these are now memories. And maybe it’s not sad.)

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Please believe that things are good with me, and even when they’re not, they will be soon enough.

All These Fucked Up Things I Did.

2009-09-22T13:33:00.002-06:00

I can't help but think.

I've grown so far away from everyone, and I don't know how I feel about it. I wanted that when I graduated. I didn't want anything that reminded me of high school. Now I regret my decision at once again my selfishness.

I read blogs and it makes me sad that I don't know whats happening in the lives of the people who I used to be so close with.

Thats the problem with me, and always will be the problem. I run away at every chance I get.

I was bruised and beat up from high school so I run away from the only people that would pick me up, dust me off, and support me. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, now does it?

I am a work at progress, and I can deal with that. Or maybe I can't given all the frustrations I blame myself for. All I really know is I am continually changing, and sometimes I don't know if it's for the better or the worst. I always hope that those who are close to me think I'm getting better. That I'm evolving into a good human being.

I know a lot about life and and hardships, but if you asked me about friendships I would tell you I have not a clue.

Cuddles, French Toast, Kisses, and Strawberry Sauce

2009-09-18T00:32:00.003-06:00

I like the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough.

The ears that aren't big enough.

The eyes that can't take in all the change.

I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone.

There's really no one else. Because you give me more love than anyone else could even know. Because you make me feel like the most beautiful, the skinniest, the smartest girl in the world. I know I'm not those things, but when I'm with you, I feel like I have the potential to be. I love what you are, and what you do and how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength that carries you through. I've seen the best of you. I've seen the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. And I love you.

(The thing is, you make me happy. You walked in when it seemed like the rest of the world walked out. You were there. You are there. I never need to pretend when I'm around you, when I'm talking to you, when I'm with you. You're hilarious; you make me laugh all the time. You seem to pick up that something's wrong before everyone else does, and you know exactly what to say to make it all okay, and even if it's only for a little while, it helps. The thing is, I love you. Thank you, for everything.)

I Feel Like I'm The Spark That Lights You Up

2009-09-16T22:38:00.002-06:00

Kelsey in wonderland.

Rain hardly falls on me any more. I hardly now feel such simple effects. Please do not forget how to feel. How to react. I'm still safe. I'm still young. I will find things still.

Perhaps I'm not perfect, untouchable. But I feel pretty damn close. I love knowing I can feel euphoric when I barely thought that "content" existed. Its rainbows and stars and everything I've never cared to look at before.

Hello world, it's me.

Maybe They Both Cried That Day

2009-09-09T00:25:00.003-06:00

Do something worth dying for, something you love.

It's time to be a grown up. Live in a grown up world, do grown up things. Bull shit. Do what makes you happiest. What does your heart beat for? Whatever it is, follow it. I promise you it will lead you to where you want to be in life, to where the grass is greener. I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. It’s funny how people get so worked up over the bad things in life, and they never realize just how wonderful the good things are.

I think I think too much. I worry over things that have yet to come, wasting time lingering over the future so much that I miss out on the joys of the present. I need to stop, I need to stop being this over-analytic, paranoid little girl; I need to start to be myself again. Because I'm sick of missing out on the joys of this life worrying over such nonsense - things that may not even ever happen.

Well you're not brave if you still keep the letters and you're not sane if you don't want to get better and you're not drunk if you can stay in your lane. It gets to the point where you might as well do what you want, you're going straight to hell anyway. I look at you and "motherfuckingassholeihopeyoufuckingdie" comes to my mind, not because I hate you, well maybe it is, I just don't know. I am utterly disgusted with the path you trek. As inebriated as you can get off your latest pay check. I am at a loss for words here. I hate to break it to you but being a coward is not a legitimate career.

I love that painting. All the reds and yellows are intersecting like city streets. Everything bounces--the colors, the angles. You almost feel as though you're in motion just by looking at it. That's how I feel when I'm with you. I want you to be a constant. The only magic I still believe in, is love. As we wake up in your room, your face is the first thing I see. The first time I've seen love, and the last I'll ever need. "I wish I knew what to say." I said. "Just love me" was his reply.

"I never play to win," is what she said and poured a little cocaine in my head. She's a fuckin' Picasso in bed. And I'll never fall in love again.'

Sweet Darling

2009-09-03T00:09:00.002-06:00

I am strong enough.

I won't leave you.

Things seem especially hard lately. Karma is taking all of my mistakes and throwing them back in my face. Where has all my inspiration gone? There is only one place I want to run to right now, but I can't.

Someone point me in the right direction. I'm feeling lost.

I've ruined everything. A fuck up who can't turn themselves around.

It Was July 9th.

2009-08-11T22:57:00.002-06:00

The sun is always shining in the sky

somewhere...

So fitting for the life I lead, the problems that spill, the stories I weave. In the end fair is fair and two wrongs don't make a right. But Dear Lord, I wish sometimes it worked. Sometimes you can only look at one wall for so long, or in some situations, four walls. It's something that I crave, but won't ever speak of. A devil dressed up selling dreams of gold. The grass is always greener on the other side, just like the past can play tricks with our minds.

It's like a slap to a face, I mean reality. It's personalities that clash. Stories of a girl who doesn't know control. Being pushed to the edge causes the three year old in me to retaliate back. Anger takes the best of me and you're out of my life. I hate how some things happen. Time machines would be a nice thing to have. Take me back to screw my head back on.

I'm sorry for the way some things happen. I'm getting better. Truly. Perhaps things can start again. Happiness is in order.

I am very much alive.

I Should Have Let You In, But I Let You Down.

2009-08-09T23:37:00.002-06:00

I don't like being censored.

I hate wondering. What if?

Fuck, shit, fuckity fuck fuck.

I hate knowing that I could mess up the best thing in the world. That I'll say something stupid. Act upon thoughts and blah blah blah.

I know. I am ridiculous. Worrying when I don't have to.

Maybe I need to take a little break. Get a way for a little while. No stress, no work, no problems.. Just a little break..

Because I Believe There's A Place For You And I In This Crazy World.

2009-08-08T01:16:00.002-06:00

If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad.

I just want you to know. I do love you. Forever and always. And I do know you know that. Fights scare me, being seperated scares me, thinking of you not being in my life scares the shit out of me. I need you. And I'm holding you to your promises.

Forever and ever.

Why?

Because I love you.

I Would Still Die For You.

2009-08-05T23:30:00.002-06:00

I was born to tell you "I love you"

Sometimes its hard... Because there are times where it's really hard to control myself around you and I want to kiss and touch every inch of your body.

And I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Well you'll have to figure that one out for yourself.

I Can Conquer The World With One Hand, As Long As You Are Holding The Other.

2009-07-24T22:43:00.004-06:00

I think this takes a lot of confidence.

For in all the ways I have grown, I have still digressed. I feel happy knowing I hold all the power over my own self. To be happy, confident, bold, and alive. I'm always pushing myself in new ways. I'm encouraged to step out of my comfort zone. I need my opinion to be known. I will never stop learning, living or loving.

If You Are A Mermaid, Then I Am The Sea.

2009-07-23T00:56:00.001-06:00

I want to be bold,

not to mention euphoric.

It's just an automatic response. Instant smile. Unbeatable love. I'm not really scared anymore. Everything adds up in the end. I love you, and you love me. Trust is no issue when it comes to you. My life, my everything.

I'm not afraid to argue, to stand up for what's right. I will let you know when you're troubling me, and when I think you're wrong... Sometimes my angrier side gets the best of me though, I try not to. I think whats the injustice and what is the intent.

I wish to make decisions easier and know that I'm making the right one. I shouldn't be afraid of it anymore.

I wish for the past to stay in the past. Time to time I dwell on it a little too much. Things happened for a reason. I am the person I am today because of what happened.

I know who I love, and I know who I need with me. My support system, made up of one person alone. Someone so amazing, brilliant, loving. It's now I know what I want out of life, it's not as scary to me anymore. It makes me excited to move out, have independence and be completely consumed by the real world.

I love you.

Thank you.

It's Not Rocket Science... You Belong With Me.

2009-07-17T00:35:00.004-06:00

Be infinite with me,

baby.

You know when you find that guy that knows just what to say to make you smile? He makes you feel safe and completely comfortable with being yourself. It' okay to sound stupid every once in a while because it makes him laugh. You stay up all night playing Mario cart and having thumb wars. You spend most of your time together goofing around and cuddling. And when you're not together, you talk on the phone til 3:30 in the morning. It takes 10 minutes just to say goodbye because he won't let you go and you don't wanna leave anyways. Yeah...that's what I call love.

I don't know what is is about you. Maybe it's the way nothing else matter when we're talking; or how you make me smile more than anyone else has. It could be the way that you say the exact right thing at exactly the right time. But whatever it is, I just want you to know that it means everything to me.

He was always her unreachable dream

And that’s the way it would always seem.

The playful star just playing his game

Until she wrote the letter addressed to his name.

“Hello my darling, my sunshine, my all.”

“This is addressed to you, the only one I call.”

“Although we’re not together and we live lives apart,”

“Never shall you forget you’re always in my heart.”

She had never believed in love at first sight,

Until she could only see his eyes as she looked into night.

And after each letter she would sign off with joy,

“P.S I Love You, my unforgettable boy".

She would wait by the road for the postman to come,

Hoping her love would show her some sun.

She would rest her head and try to sleep,

Wanting to say what she would have to keep.

She waited until that sun-kissed day

When the letter from her love said he was going to stay

She tore open the letter with ecstatic glee

Wishing and wanting her always to be.

“Hello my darling, my sunshine my all,”

“This is addressed to you, the only one I call.”

“I miss you, I love you, I want you forever”

“Promise me you’ll always let us be together.”

Her eyes lit up with love and with light

As she read his letter and sang into the night.

And after his letter he had signed off with swirls,

“P.S I Love You,” my wonderful girl.”

Ignorance Is Your New Best Friend

2009-07-15T23:59:00.003-06:00

Something about you is so addictive.

Being silly is my favorite. I like to laugh, and giggle your giggle and make you smile. I don't like staying mad or fighting. I want to goof around and see the world with you. I will Go-Kart or sit in the wave pool with you. I will face my fears, and be brave for you. Anything for you.

Trust has always been hard for me. I have never been able to trust anyone fully. Even if they haven't done anything to break our trust. It's funny though how I am able to trust you with everything. I know you will protect my every secret.

Sleep medication is so overrated. Love works twice as good as anything perscribed. Curling up against you and laying my head on your chest makes me feel so safe. I'm never afraid of anything when Im with you. You tuck me in and I can instantly fall asleep, as long as I know you are near. I'm not a sound sleeper, so I love waking in the night and looking over knowing you are still beside me. That you will always be beside me. Kisses and I love you's are my favorite way to wake up. How much more perfect could everything get?

I love you.

Another Way To Say "I Love You."

2009-07-14T00:00:00.004-06:00

He thinks I'm crazy for reading.

I think he's crazy for loving me.

Tese are the things I know like the back of my hand:

The backs of your hands. The backs of your knees. The way your blue eyes can be spring-sky-welcoming one moment and ocean-deep, ocean-cold the next. The gentle pattern of droplets weaving through each other. The distortion of light through water. The subtle differences between sticky tears and dry eyes. You.

These are the things I am sure of:

Puddles will evaporate. Rocks will erode. The snow will melt. You can't take the yellow out of green and end up with blue again. Rain is just water. Tears are just water. My situation will improve when the temperature starts to rise.

These are the things I know by heart:

The rain chattering outside my window, tapping out the wishes of oceans on the glass. Cups dirty with chapsticky kisses and smeared fingerprints, mapping the routes of my wandering hands. Cool drafts of air which reassure me that the world outside my room is still breathing. Sunlight daring to reach its fingers through clouds to stroke my cheeks with its warmth. The slow, slow rebirth of summer after an agonizingly bloody winter.

These are the things that I know to be absolutely true:

only you.

Hey, I love you.

So, so much.

You Were Born To Quit.

2009-07-08T18:33:00.002-06:00

How come?

Because in every single way, he is better then you will ever be. Why can't I let it go? Perhaps it's because you are someone I cared about, or maybe it's because I'm so against it, or wanting you to know how wrong you are. Because you are. Not only will I never trust you again, I take you as a liar, a fake, a hypocrite. Everything I will never find capable of loving. Why don't we stay in touch? Because you are so far down on a level I could never, ever stoop so low to reach. I know, I know, I'm a bitch. Sorry.

I'm A Chemical Kid.

2009-06-28T23:21:00.002-06:00

Hunger is the best discipline.

Sometimes I fall back into my old habits. I'm not proud, but I'm in control.. Mostly. I still find it hard going to parties and watching people drink. I always need to try a sip of something new, and then next thing I know I have a drink in my hand. It's so addicting. Maybe I should forget about parties entirely, or maybe I should realize drinking within moderation is okay. I'm not depending on alcohol to make me okay, I'm just doing it for a good time.

I was proud of myself for not drinking tonight at the party. I felt anxious, like an anxiety attack was coming on, I wanted to drink, take the edge off, but I didn't. It left me tired and silently miserable, but it makes me feel like a better person. I suppose one day I will know the correct way to deal with these situations.

You've Got A Body Like The Devil, And You Smell Like Sex.

2009-06-28T00:05:00.003-06:00

You're my security blanket.

For what it's worth, it's never too late or too early to be whoever you want to be. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it, and I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. You see, time is tricky. You have whole months, even years, when nothing changes a speck. When you don’t go anywhere or do anything, or think one new thought. And then you get hit with a day or an hour, or half a second, when so much happens, it’s almost like you are born all over again into some brand new person you for damn sure never expected to meet.

This is a good grumpy, the healthy kind of grumpy. Nothing like the past. I would have exploded by now, into a fit of anger and tears, isolation and a bed to lay in my sorrows. "I need a nap," is what I say to you now. "I know, you're grumpy." Everything seems okay to me when you're around. Everything is fixed with a kiss or a hug. And I stay happy. I cried a little bit before I wrote this, because I feel its okay to cry every once in a while. You sent me a message saying "I love you." The tears stopped and I felt okay again. You're my superhero. No matter what, I can't stay in a bad mood.

Things are so beautiful.

Sometimes Your So Still.

2009-06-25T21:15:00.004-06:00

It's something like a dream.

When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

I will be here.
always.
Forever.
I'll hold you up if you're falling down.

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you

I promise.

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
When the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless.
When you try to speak but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud

I never thought a love like this,
was ever possible.

I will stay.
Nobody will break you

I don't want you to hurt.
Ever.

Trust in me, trust in me.
Don't pull awayT
rust in me, trust in me.
I'm just trying to keep this together,
Because I could do worse and you could do better

Hey baby boy,
I love you.

I'm On A Journey To Conquer Your Heart.

2009-06-14T23:49:00.002-06:00

I've been running around for the past year trying to find some clarity,

and all of a sudden it's so clear,

it's ridiculous.

I just want to be with you.

I love how some things just fall into place. When you least expeceted them to, but when you needed it to happen the most. What luck. I stopped looking, and it came to me. I'm not very good at exressing happy or lovely thoughts, but I would like to try.

It's silly, carefree, bold, beautiful and everything that love should be. It's the way I wake up in the middle of the night, dissapointed that it's my pillow I'm cuddling and not you. I always wish you are beside me. You are the perfect cure to my insomnia. No more sleeping pills, I just need your arms. Kisses on the nose, and getting tucked in always makes me smile. And you know that. You have me figured out. I miss you five minutes after we've kissed goodbye, I always have a hard time leaving your side. I want to kiss you better when ever you are sick or sad, hold your hand whenever I can. I want to try new things and do things I'm afraid of, because I trust you. There is no one better.

Words clearly aren't enough.

Even Now I’m Not Really Sure Which Parts Of Myself Are Real and Which Parts Are Things I’ve Gotten From Books.

2009-06-06T19:39:00.004-06:00

Kiss me, and you will see how important

I am.

I’ve always avoided fights. I make jokes instead. I tell people what they want to hear in order to avoid a confrontation. I pretend to want things I don’t want, and I pretend not to want things I do want. no one gets hurt. Except me. The lines are so crossed and blurred at the point that I don’t know what I want. I just know i want it to be easy.

Our initials written in the sand for a night get to stay safe from footprints and water.
The hands that hold us together want to rip us apart.
On a blanket underneath the purple and orange sunset we can forget all our problems and face them at the same time.
Seen from ships designed to crash we're the last existing starry-eyed dreamers laying hand in hand.
Seen from our own skin we're just surviving on the other's next breath.
Justbarely.
Let's watch the world fall apart ontop of umbrellas, crunched between sharks teeth and hidden under seashells.
Just for one night we can forget about the weather and focus on the shore that ends just beyond the tips of our toes.
The sunrise will come soon enough to pull open our eyelids to our worst fears.
Seperated together like this.
"You're a thief cause you stole my heart."
"You're a thief cause you stole my future, or maybe I'm just giving it to you."
"Fine. We're sharing it."
Fiction tastes just like you sometimes.
So real.
I'm like a fix you need to know you need.
Save me for when you're broken.
Please don't quit me just yet.

No words seem perfect.

Like Pretty Girls And Cowboys, I Need You Here Tonight.

2009-06-04T23:50:00.004-06:00

I don't want to be alone,

but I can't find the words to tell you.

Promise not to promise anymore. Tell me, when will you learn that there isn't a word for everything? I spend these nights counting stars like a runaway. I can't explain, and won't even try how everything fell away, except for your eyes.

I like to pretend. Sometimes it gets me into trouble though. Reality just isn't for me. I would much rather stay in my dream world where everything is so much more. More beauty, more love, more hope.

The sun goes down but not spirits, maybe I've been haunting your thoughts. My body is a graveyard for hopes that died too soon. Give me a love I'm enough for. I want to hold your attention, but for now I'll settle for your hand. Your skin looks amazing in the moonlight- stuck in moments like these where I could be writing something amazing but I don't want to take my hands off you. I'll let a few good lines go for a boy that I can't. Besides the lines sometimes come back to me before he would. Tell me what matters at the end of the day- an empty page or an empty bed? We can all agree what hurts worse. You can't blame me for holding on- I'm just a little afraid you'll disappear like our footprints in the sand by the shore.

Halo

2009-06-02T15:56:00.003-06:00

Remember those walls I built?

Well, baby they're tumbling down

And they didn't even put up a fight

They didn't even make a sound

I found a way to let you in

But, I never really had a doubt

Standing in the light of your halo

I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened

Every rule I had you breakin'

It's the risk that I'm taking

I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace

Baby, I can see your halo

You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more

It's written all over your face

Baby, I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away

Hit me like a ray of sun

Burning through my darkest night

You're the only one that I want

Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again

But this don't even feel like falling

Gravity can't forget

To pull me back to the ground again

My love.

Prelude To A Dream

2009-06-01T22:08:00.002-06:00

And this could be everything.

I don't wanna dream anymore

I need a constant. I don't like playing the game of cat and mouse today. It's silly really what the clouds can do to you. Darken the sky, darken your mind.

We are the constant

In chaos, the theory and more

Infinite X's in finite equations and XOXO's.

We are

Suns behind heavy clouds,

Grasses beneath fresh snowfalls.

The seasons are changing but

I can still taste your kiss,

In the same way I taste blooming flowers in fresh spring air.

And later when leaves turn shades of red and orange

To light the passion in your eyes,

I patiently wait for my wintertime.

But while earth was breathing out, I was breathing in

I could still smell autumn on your summer skin

When we rode bicycles through piles of undead leaves and

They scattered and changed into snowflakes and friendly rays of once lonely sun.

The warm embraced the cold; the seasons fell in love.

Summer, spring, fall, and winter all turned into one.

So hold me close,

Together we'll blur the days into a mixture of unnamed colors

And when we're finished we'll align the planets and stars beyond

To carve our initials upon the sky because

Weare the constant

In change and love

Time held in a clock

God's presence in the dark

Forever our two hearts.

I'm flyer, I'm higher. So please don't shoot me down. Hate is such a weak emotion. Anger is such a motivating emotion. Try not to let your hate motivate. And don't let your anger instigate, but let it insight change. thats the good weed. the right blood to bleed. I heard you were looking for me. you can't find this. You couldn't handle it if you found it. So don't find it. I found it. The right way. The better way. A brighter day. I'd better say that nothing is over. This is not over. Nothing is over. I'll always learn more than you. Because I fuck up more than you. Yes the element is hot. Even on the third time trying.

You are the yellow bird I've been waiting for.

Paint Me With Glitter and I'll Shine Just For You.

2009-05-31T20:41:00.004-06:00

I promised myself that I would

leave this town as soon as I

could.

I can't bring myself to do that

anymore.

In the end, it's the "what ifs" that hurt the most. Like, what if things had gone a little differently? Me? I don't believe in fate. I believe we have more control then we think and every action has a reaction.

My thoughts fall heavily, from my brain to my fingertips, wishing I knew exactly what it was I am trying to say. I wish my brain would come up with something to write. Anything at all. No witty or poetic thoughts have been captured in my mind, even though I have some of the most beautiful things to say. I suppose in reality they aren't that beautiful though. Just a crazy mess of everything that I get so caught up in. I suppose that this is what drinking and a lack of sleep does to you. But I don't really think I mind.

The Best In Town

2009-05-30T19:04:00.003-06:00

Upon graduation,

let us run away together.

And oh my love, haven't you wanted to be with me?

my words are magic beans that grow into a stalk

so, follow where I lead, let's take a little walk

past wolves that ain't nothing but huff & puff

you're running with the big dogs now & I just called your bluff

my house is made of stone, while you're wearing grandma's clothes

I mastered poetry and reinvented prose

with flows that topple foes and rescue damsels in distress

my cupboard's never bare, my porridge passes every test

impressed? distressed? afraid you've met your match?

I burn quick like candlesticks; too nimble for you to catch

so sing, "hey diddle diddle, this cat don't play no fiddle

but he still make music so sweet

that it soothes the savage beasts, puts lions right to sleep

and makes the wolves lie down with the sheep"

I am the sovereign of the seas, litigating destiny.

I stood on pedestals just to get you next to me.

I battled vast creatures, even stood up to Zeus.

Poseidon tried hidin, end up hung from a noose.

They're all soft from my tragedy, ignorance is passin me.

Medusa's got a picture in the mirror that keeps grabbin me.

The picture's getting clearer, I'm a literary martyr.

Poetic warrior, I'm like Achilles fighting smarter.

I'm Ares in the flesh so the lessers wanna fight me.

Apollo tried to stop me, but I took his Aphrodite.

Figured since I won, petty comments I'd ignore.

Hate to burst your bubble, I'm your apple of discord.

Worlds End In Whispers, Not Bangs.

2009-05-28T20:14:00.004-06:00

It doesn't ever phase me. I hope you fucking hate me.

It's time to look in a mirror. Evaluate yourself. But you already know what you are. A fuck up. It's what you have always been, and probably always be. Secretly you love it though, or you would try to fix yourself. You are getting no ones attention.

Oh Freckle, What Makes You So Special?

2009-05-24T21:13:00.003-06:00

Hello, my name is Euphoria.

I wanna scream 'I love you' from the top of my lungs, but I'm afraid that someone else will hear me.

When I'm with you there's no worries,

When I'm with you there's no shame,

When I'm with you I'm secure,

We choose to live against the grain.

They can say we lack the progress.

They can say that we're a mess,

They can say we'll never make it

I know we're better than their test

And I don't hear them anyway.

This is my safe ride home. The place I chose to live. The only life I want.

The Great Escape

2009-05-23T00:46:00.002-06:00

No image will ever capture our perfection.

Safe. I feel very safe in these arms.

Confidence. I can be my complete weird self, and not feel judged for it.

Relaxation. As soon as we touch I know I can let all my problems go.

I don't like giving too much away, but I feel like every piece of me has already been disected, and you still want me around.

I've got a sickness, you've got the cure

You've got the spark I've been lookin' for

And I've got a plan, we walk out the door

I have a feeling, that next year

will be the year of our lives.

Our year.

Let's spend tonight on top of the world

And we can do anything

We can be anything

I'll meet you tonight on top of the world

As real as it seems

You're only in my dreams

I like being where I am.

Complete peace,

and self assurance.

Let's live on top of the world.

Tonight will change our lives

It's so good to be by your side

We'll cry

We won't give up the fight

We'll scream loud at the top of our lungs

And they'll think it's just cause we're young

And we'll feel so alive

My Sacrifice.

2009-05-21T23:48:00.003-06:00

Because I look for beauty,

in every situation.

Staying positive has never been easy for me. Until now. It's like every wish I've made on 11:11 is starting to come true. I've just got to wish a little harder, pray a littler longer. I want to be pulled into something positive, something good for me. May that be selfish, I don't really care.

It's the people who make me smile. Support me in everything I do, it's them I would do anything for. I want whats best for them and what makes them happy, even if it does put me in the back seat for a little while. I do believe the saying is "if you're happy, then I'm happy."

I know what I want now, and I attend to go after it at full force. I'm rather awkward and goofy, and I may try too hard, but at least it's something. Day after day I am realizing the beauty I have within myself, and how it makes me feel. I know there are only certain times when I feel on top of the world, and its these times that I will chose to cherish forever.

Magic introduces its self in my dreams. It tells me of all the things we could be. The love and excitment that we hold. Beautiful images become present, full of soft lips and an electric touch. I like to think of these moments often. To replay them over, and over again. I guess I'm just a silly girl who doesn't like to play by the rules.

Let the story unfold.

Baby, Your Mouth Is Like A Ghost

2009-05-19T19:48:00.004-06:00

It's the complications I love.

(I know you want me to want you)

I hope you know you're driving me crazy. I'm growing more anxious by the second. The unknown really is frightening. It's probably my fault. I apologize for always assuming the worst. It's just that when you think the worst, the reality of the situation doesn't seem so bad. You've got the cold war re-enacting itself in the pit of my stomach. It's the tension. I have to say, I don't know how much longer I can stand it. I hope I'm not being too hasty, but it only takes a second to dial my number. A second of your time is all I ask for.

I sit here and wonder if you will ever understand just how much of me belongs to you.

I've never really been one for having a loss of words, so I guess you could call this a first. I'm afraid of opening my mouth, and definitely afraid of keeping it shut. What is a girl supposed to do? And truthfully, I'm trying to write a witty secret message, perhaps it's already been unfolded though?

I don't want to be forgotten. I want to be sitting front and center in your mind. Pick me up, Read me every now and then, I won’t disappoint. *I am* witty and engaging so bless me with attention, because I’m *dying* for attention *without* any means of telling *you*. But with every means of showing you.

I want to get out of my own head, and into yours.

I’m Much Too Crazy To Change.

2009-05-13T21:40:00.004-06:00

Simply unexpected.

This photograph, was completely out of the blue, and the most beautiful shot. After the shoot was done, and we were convinced we had the perfect shot of us looking "in love", we talked for a little while. He could tell I needed a hug. It was beautiful, and exactly what we had been trying to achieve the whole time we were pretending, luckily the photographer was right there and quickly took the picture. They decided to use this one over the posed one. It almost seemed real to me.

I should have been brave enough to just ask your name, instead of screaming, "I cannot contain my lust!" Now you probably think I'm a creep...

I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has over flown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip. I start to get the feeling that something is really wrong. Like all the drugs put together can no longer combat whatever it is that was wrong with me in the first place. I feel like a defective model, like I came off the assembly line flat-out fucked and my parents should have taken me back for repairs before the warranty ran out.

A joint or two just hangin out the window in September on the 28th I’ll be dethroned and sent to clean up my act. It's 6 p.m, we're sellin' everything that we can find for another line. "Get ahold of yourself," you say. We're bound to get caught and maybe then I can get clean. The police have different plans for me tonight. You know, you can’t swim in a town this shallow.

Fuck you. For saying you'd stay. For acting like you cared. For saying you loved me, for saying you'd be there. And then leaving. For turning your back around and leaving me here to pick up the pieces. For forgetting about me. For replacing me. For shoving it in my face that we're just not the same anymore. For not having the fucking decency to see that what you're doing is over the edge. Too much. You just keep doing this. You just don't care. All you ever think about is yourself. Don't you get it? Don't you understand how much you're hurting not me, but her? No, you just can't seem to see that you're causing all this irreversible damage to not only me, but her. My god she deserves so much better than you. For everything. For being the thoughtless, heartless, stupid little prick that you are, fuck you. And luckily believe in payback. Letting people screw you over is just lazy and uncreative. But also, sometimes being totally fucked can be a liberating experience.

You, in the cardigan, you're tired of all your friends. You, with your hair pulled back just right, you're bored with your boyfriend. so believe me you innocent little girl, in someone else's diary you are a "skanky whore." I would never consider us to be suicidal. It's just apathy and boredom, adding up to a whole lot of nothing. Then I remembered that my mom used to say to me, 'You can't have fun all the time.', and I used to say, 'Why not? Why the fuck can't I have fun all the time?"

And I guess these are all just ramblings. But they are important. They are me.

Goodbye.

2009-05-11T00:22:00.002-06:00

Jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk.
I fucking dislike you.
Jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk.
I wish you would go back home.

Please, don't speak to me again. I would like nothing to do with you. Ever. I really should have listened to my friend.
And please, don't try to come near me.
Goodbye.

I Think We Have An Emergency.

2009-05-10T23:51:00.002-06:00

Break apart her heart.
I'm done.
Fucking done.

I Don't Get You As Much As I Wish I Did.

2009-05-10T12:22:00.003-06:00

So please tell me darling why you're so far away when i need you beside me tonight.

I had a dream about us last night. It was wonderful. I promise to love you forever.

Suppose I called you up tonight

and told you that I love you,

and suppose I said I wanna come back home.

And suppose I cried and said I think I finally learned my lesson

and I'm tired of spending all my time alone.

If I told you that I realize you're all I ever wanted,

and it's killing me to be so far away.

Would you tell me that you love me to

and when we cry together,

would you simply laugh at me and say

I told you so.

I told you someday you'd come crawling back and asking me to take you in.

I told you so,

but you had to go,

now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again.

If I got down on my knees and told you I was yours forever

would you get down on yours too and take my hand?

Would we get that old time feeling,

would we laugh and talk for hours?

The way we did when our love first began.

Would you tell me that you miss me too

and that you've been so lonely,

and you've waited for the day that I returned.

And we live and love forever

And that I'm your one and only

or would you say the tables finally turn..

I'm ready now.

Come get me.

The Last Something That Meant Anything

2009-05-08T15:51:00.002-06:00

She said it's so funny how life burns out so fast

So let's take another drink and here's to the past.

I never thought you'd be a junkie because heroin is so passé, and today if you think that I don't know about depression and emotional pain, you're insane. In a way, I cannot help but feel responsible, I always knew that you were insane with the pain, but I never thought you'd be a junkie because heroin is so passé, heroin is so passé.

I need to feel something.

I'm Only Me When I'm With You.

2009-05-06T22:35:00.003-06:00

What do you say?

She said, I was seven and you were nine

I looked at you like the stars that shined

In the sky, the pretty lights.

And our daddies used to joke about the two of us,

growing up and falling in love and our mamas smiled

And rolled their eyes and said, "oh my"

Take me back to the house in the backyard tree,

said you'd beat me up, you were bigger than me,

You never did, you never did...

Take me back when our world was one block wide.

I dared you to kiss me and ran when you tried.

Just two kids, you and I...

Well, I was sixteen when suddenly

I wasn't that little girl you used to see,

but your eyes still shined like pretty lights.

And our daddies used to joke about the two of us,

they never believed we'd really fall in love.

And our mamas smiled and rolled their eyes

and said, "oh my"

Take me back to the creek beds we turned up,

two A.M. riding in your truck, and all I need is you next to me.

Take me back to the time we had our very first fight,

the slamming of doors instead of kissing goodnight.

You stayed outside till the morning light.

A few years had gone and come around,

we were sitting at our favorite spot in town,

and you looked at me, got down on one knee..

Take me back to the time when we walked down the aisle,

our whole town came and our mamas cried.

You said "I do" and I did too.

Take me home where we met so many years before,

after all this time, you and I.

I'll be eighty-seven; you'll be eighty-nine,

I'll still look at you like the stars that shine

In the sky.

It's always been you and I.

Last Flight Home.

2009-05-04T17:59:00.001-06:00

It's nothing big,

but this is my dream.

I need this to happen.

I want this to happen.

I'm going to make it happen.

I Am Not Your Toy

2009-05-03T16:17:00.002-06:00

Feel free to

leave.

I'm tired of the one's who put me down. Get out of my life if you have a problem with me. Not only does it annoy me, but it OFFENDS me as well, when people diss my sport. Don't call me "ginger", "Skinny bitch", "Dumb blonde", NOTHING.

I'm sick of this shit and I'm sick of this scene. I'm not alive to be anyone's punching bag. Am I mad at you guys?

Hell yes I am.

Everybody Is Someone Else's Secret.

2009-05-02T17:19:00.002-06:00

I promised myself

I would kiss you again,

someday.

I am afraid of my actions, and where they will take me. I act on impulse, which leads to situations I don't want to be in. Place's I don't want to be. Everyone learns from their mistakes, but I play mine on repeat.

The same question runs through my mind.

What will happen if I do see you?

I think I know what will happen, but the consequences that follow... It scares me that I know it's supposed to be you. I have a sketchbook full of the houses I imagined with you. Not to mention the diary that has your name scribbled all over it.. I can't stand to listen to a song anymore because it reduces me to tears.

So what will happen when you're home? Will you look the other way? Or will we just instantly run to each other?

I wish my head was on straight.

Do You Keep Wishing That Someday I Might Show Up?

2009-04-29T17:48:00.001-06:00

I know its up to me to grow.

So sick of this place, same thing everyday, something is in my way. But I was born and raised in this dead end town, where everyone is here to stay. Don't want things to be the same for me. Got to get out right now and start to live my life, how it's meant to be. Pick myself up off the ground.

you want to think I have a problem, well think again it lies within you. You act so rude and immature, well I'll act the same I won't acknowledge you. But yet you still wanna run your mouth. Why even waste the time? I despise your whole existence and that's the bottom line. You're a waste of time. No need for adolescent gossip, fact is that you need to grow up, don't concern yourself with my life because I could care less what you do.

Made Too Pretty

2009-04-25T20:09:00.004-06:00

Baby boy, was this really what you

wanted?

I want to be rich and I want lots of money

I don't care about clever I don't care about funny

I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds

I heard people die while they are trying to find them.

And I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless

'Cause everyone knows that's how you get famous.

I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror

I'm on the right track, yeah I'm on to a winner.

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore

And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore

And when do you think it will all become clear?

'Cause I'm being taking over by The Fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers

It's all about fast cars and cussing each other

But it doesn't matter cause I'm packing plastic

And that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption

And it's not my fault it's how I'm programmed to function

Forget about guns and forget ammunition

'Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission

Now I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner

Now everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner

Here Again.

2009-04-22T20:26:00.003-06:00

But I think we could.

It's been such a beautiful adventure. Everything was upside down, and I couldn't stop spinning around.

Silly string and a snowball fight mark a life changing day. I never knew it would be a day I would remember forever.

I learned so much from you. So many things I am grateful for. And forever will be.

All I can hope is that you are forever in my life.

Lets go for the ride of our lives.

I See Stars.

2009-04-21T21:41:00.003-06:00

oh god, why was I wrong?

I missed all the meaning while it was spelled out all along.

To my bestie,

I love everything you hate about yourself. If I am ever too worried about you, keep in mind it's because there is only one of you, and I love you. Sometimes I feel so small compared to you. You are nothing but supportive of me, and you constantly have my back. I feel like I can't help you like you help me. Please teach me how to be a good friend, because it's what you deserve. You only deserve the best. Please always remember that. Never take less then what you deserve.

What happens when your friends and family become afraid of you? When the monster just takes hold and wont let go? Maybe there is no hope for me. I've fucked up too much. I mean, why does someone like me deserve to be happy and healthy. Why should I be able to have good relationships? The answer to those are I probably don't. But it happens any way.

My eyes opened wide today, and I realized "I'm alive." I have the power to turn my life around. All afternoon I sat in bed and felt sorry for myself. I let the monster take hold of me, I almost gave in. Then I rememberd all I had to live for. I'm trying, I'm really trying.

You and I can find an appreciation for life together. I promise it will be worth it in the end. I just kind of have a feeling.

I Can't Resist The Day

2009-04-18T12:01:00.003-06:00

Babe, I think that I'd like to leave,

this place gives me the creeps.

Just come with me, and we'll run away.

where the weathers warm and the skies are gold.

Just come with me and we'll run away.

I'm in the wrong.

I always hurt the ones I love.

I hope there is a chance for me to explain to you my actions, and why I had to do it.

Truthfully, I'm nervous for when you're home. I don't know how to react, what to do, what to say.

I just hope to make it right between us some day.

My parents understand now. I told them the day I'm eighteen I'm leaving this town. There is nothing here for me. A town full of heartache and misery. Nothing exciting happens, I was never made to be a small town girl. I have big city dreams. Take me some where with passion and romance, a place I won't ever be bored. A place where I can decorate while you bake, and in the evenings we will draw white houses. Willow trees and white picket fences, everything we have ever imagined.

I think I want this dream to come true.

I Put On That Kanye Smile.

2009-04-16T15:22:00.001-06:00

My favorite place in the world.

Because no matter how lost you get,

you always stumble on something

beautiful.

I know I've been wrong. I have learned from my mistakes. I've been used, and have used. But my god, I know this is something right. I don't care how many people try to talk me out of it, or tell me it isn't right. I honestly don't care about anyone's opinion. If I have any concerns about my heart, I'll tell you. Don't try to push me away from him, because in the long run it will only push me further away from you.

It doesn't matter what it takes, I will become who I want to be. I'm not afraid to say that I've used people to get farther in life, because in reality, who hasn't? I've hurt people for no reason, and I've been hurt for no reason. Do I regret any of it? No. I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for every single event that has happened in my life. Sure some of them weren't the greatest ideas. And maybe I ended up in more trouble then I would have ever imagined, but I made it through each and every one of them.

I don't like it when people worry for me. I know I'm not the strongest person, but I'm not made of glass. I remember when a doctor asked me why I liked my friends not too long ago. My answer was "because they don't treat me like I was broken, and then put back together with tape. They aren't afraid that I'm going to break with anything they do or say." And it's true. I'm not going to wince at every word. Sometimes I want to forget about my past.

If I skip a meal, or purge, smoke, or drink it is okay. I'm not slipping up as much as I used to. One slip up from me every once in a while is okay. I know when I've had enough. I know when I can't handle it anymore. I know when it's time to quit it.

Sometimes I just want to go away, start over in a new place where no one knows about what a fuck up I was. They wouldn't treat me like I had a "handle with care" sign around my neck. I know I messed up, it doesn't mean I have to be reminded of it every damn day.

I regret leaving some people behind. Maybe some friendships should have never been started. I'm making a step in knowing who is good for me. I know who that is now.

I really do.

This Is The Same Old Dance You Already Know.

2009-04-09T16:44:00.003-06:00

Time for a change.

I haven't been one to really accept change in the past, but I feel like this change is for the better. Stop being a Negative Nelly and step out into the world.

I miss you so much and I can't wait for you to come home. Things just really don't feel the same when you're away... Which really makes me hate the thought of next year. But I know we can do it.

Don't Let Me Get Me

2009-04-08T22:00:00.002-06:00

I don't need to be saved...

Shaking, 24-7,

but, I couldn't care.

I'm trying to be beautiful.

I want to be as light as air.

My head always hurts,

But, it don't bother me.

My mind's always spinning,like I'm going crazy.

My stomach always growls.

Telling me I need food.

But, food is poison.

If I eat, I'll be in a worse mood.

My body always aches.

I starve myself without shame.

I'm always shaking cold.

But, hell, Beauty is pain.

I promised myself

I wouldn't do this again.

Whats wrong with me?

With my hair held back, I sit on the floor.

Purging and purging until I can't take anymore.

I am beautiful, I am strong.

Those people who said I was weak, their wrong.

If I wasn't strong, I would have given this away.

I wouldn't have lived like this everyday.

sticking my finger down my throat, just so maybe I'll be good.

Maybe I'll be perfect like I should.

They call me weak a lot, I'll prove them wrong.

I'll show them I'm perfect, show them I'm strong.

Those pretty models, I want to be like them all.

I would careless if I became Ana's little doll.

And for you, I know you think I'm weak.

You think my tears are about to leak.

You think I'll break down and cry

at your feet, you think I'll just die.

Only because I love you, am I doing this.

Only because I long for one simple kiss.

Is that too much to ask for, please don't lie.

I want to know the answer, and I want to know why.

I'm sorry I'm not beautiful enough, but, this is the best I can do,

I'm sorry I'm not pretty and I can't please you.

I'm sorry she's better then me, and I can't help it.

I'm sorry I went so long being sorry about shit.

So don't sugar-coat it again, I'm an big girl, I can take this, I know.

Will you open up, and let your emotions show.

Show me you love me, or show me your hate.

I knew this was a bad idea but, its already too late.

So now am I beautiful? I'm starved for love,

If I didn't care, I wouldn't do all this above.

I don't care what I have to do,

just so one day...

I may be beautiful enough for you.

.......

Where's That Chorus At?

2009-04-06T16:31:00.003-06:00

Did you know this brings back

memories?

A long walk through a forest taught me many lessons. Some, I wish I never learned, but I know that there is a reason it all happened. I never knew about love, or beauty. I also never knew of pain and heartache. My first everything happened under these leaves. I haven't gone and visited the forest since the day I learned how much I could cry, I'm afraid it will bring back too many memories of things I've tried to forget. But I don't want to block them from my memory anymore. It's time to revisit the forest.

I am very aware that I'm being a terrible friend. The last week has been so hard with trying to accept myself as I am, and thinking I'm not good enough. I think these and I get scared, and angry and I don't know how to deal with the feelings except for pushing everyone I love away. I'm getting better though. I'm a hopeful kind of sad, a sad that just gets better over time. You are my best friend, and don't deserve that treatment. I'm glad you can understand though, even when I don't. I love you, and I'm going to try and be there for you as much as I can. No matter how hard it is. I promised you I would hold your hand the whole way through it. This is a promise I intend to keep.

Sometimes I feel like a monster for disliking someone who hurt me very much. But then I remember what he did to me. How he broke that promise to me, and I know my hate is justified. I felt a pinch of guilt when I saw you walk into the school this morning crying, but then I remembered again every tear that I had wasted on you, and I went on with my day. If you don't have respect for me during my bad times, see if I put an ounce of effort in helping you.

Unstoppable used to be such a foreign word to me. Hell, anything could stop me dead in my tracks and break me down. I think I handle things with a more positive attitude now. Words are just words and they won't break me. I'm extremely lucky that I have the best friends, and boyfriend, to show me how much I really am worth. I would still probably be hospitalized, if not worse by now, if I didn't have everyone in my life to show me the right way. So, thank you.

We don't give a fuck what they all say right?

I believe we are just the right amount of awkward and beautiful. Everything feels new with you, exciting, and incredibly perfect. I'm scared, but I think its a healthy scare. I hate being vulnerable, but I just can't help it when it comes to you. You found me when no one else was looking.

Lets catch the world on fire.

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower.

2009-04-05T17:05:00.002-06:00

I swear we were infinite.

I don't know how I feel about some things. I'll sit and make a pro's and con's list in my head, but when it boils down to it, I just don't know. It's like that one sweater that you refuse to get rid of, in hopes one day it will come back in style, or you will fit in it again. It's never going to happen, but you just sit and hope.

My shoulder aches with every word I write. The pain constantly reminds me to question who and what I believe in. What did I do now to deserve this? Am I really that bad of a person? And I know that the answer is "no, I'm not a bad person."

Sometimes accidents just happen.

Sometimes things fall apart.

Sometimes it's just so someone good can walk into your life.

He walked into my life before it all fell apart again.

Soft Shock.

2009-03-31T19:19:00.002-06:00

It feels so good,

being so bad.

I am addicted to trouble. I would quit it, but the rush feels just too damn good. How far can I go? Where will you draw the line? I won't live by your rules anymore. This is my own game, it's time for me to have some fun. It's done when I say it's done.

My Love Note Has Gone Flat.

2009-03-29T22:55:00.003-06:00

You're almost as bad as

him.

Emotions won't stop circling around my head. What this one and that one said. I know who makes me happy. The one in my life is the one I need. I am no longer being pulled in the direction that everyone else wants me. Watch me blaze my own trail. You are either here for me or not. I'm not going to get in line, fuck you, I make my own plans.

Blanks The Name, Sociology's The Game

2009-03-27T22:03:00.002-06:00

Do you feel beautiful yet?

This is a new heart. Something I can hopefully get right for once in my life. Shoot me in the smile because everything always seems to go wrong. Not this time. You can't fault a fuck for trying. The rock, the stars, they were almost as beautiful as you are. We are awkward and graceful, in our own messed up way. These are new emotions. A crush that didn't crush me. A perfect fit, you and I, I love how I can't reach you standing on my toes. It's your arms that pull me to safety and remind me to stay there. I'm no longer a fragile doll. Do your worst, we'll see who is the last one standing. This is the trust I never had before. This is the way I trust you with my life. What am I talking about? Hope. Trust. Love. Beauty. Romance. All these emotions that I'm numb to. The Novocain missed my mouth and hit my heart. What if I said I was missing you? Or I find comfort pressing my lips against yours. We are both so new, so shy. No one would've ever guessed it would be you and I. I'm living against their odds, against their world. We are connecting the dots to something that doesn't exist. There is no one else I would rather do it with.

xxoo

Just because I miss your arms.

All I Have To Offer Is My Own Confusion.

2009-03-25T22:28:00.003-06:00

We are so beautiful together.

The boy is something you can't have prescribed or bottled,

but a dose of him takes away all your problems.

Infinite refills.

Being without him is a nightmare on the skin.

He still swears I'm not insane.

The way his face lights up makes electricity seem secondary.

Jealousy has a vip pass to every room we're in.

I could not feel closer to him if our DNA was fused.

A feeling you want to keep in your pocket.

Somewhere even closer than your heart.

After the last time he picked my spirits off the floor I never fell that low again.

He knows me better than I do and he still wants to stick around.

He's actually proud of me - proud to be with me.

Most people build a home around their dreams, but we've built dreams around our home.

Tonight moonlight crawls in from the window minute by minute inching closer, wanting to be where I am.

Being held to your chest as I pretend to sleep, I hear birds outside that must have flown 15 stories just to get a glimpse, a peek.

Believe me. I can relate.

Laying under sheets and over our heads we always talk about "lost time" but it wasn't really that much of a loss if it got us where we are today.

Baby boy,

take a ride,

with me.

Your lips are pillows for my thoughts to fall asleep on.

Like Changing Seasons.

2009-03-25T13:24:00.002-06:00

Everything feels new.

I feel sick.

But I still feel amazing.

I'm so inlike.

I love four by fouring.

My horse is better then ever.

I'm going back blonde.

I don't know how I feel

about that.

I feel like I can trust again.

Just not you.

I like having friends.

I will save you.

Just like you saved

me.

I keep looking at that picture.

It makes me smile,

everytime.

The Things That Are Reminding Me Of You.

2009-03-23T22:35:00.004-06:00

I'm so in love with us.

Tingles. I felt them shoot up and down my arm when you helped me off the ground. Safety was all I knew, when I was in that truck with you. Courage and confidence, along with a smile, creep up my spine when you smile at me. It's you who seems to have changed my views on everything.

It's the little things too. I can't even reach you on my very tipy toes. The way you will carry me through a field when I complain I'm tired. I like how we are both too shy to be the first to do anything. I love play fighting with you, and you letting me win. I could go on and on, but I would rather keep those in my head.

Everything's Just Wonderful.

2009-03-23T00:13:00.002-06:00

I'm lying, again.

Everything was fine until I opened my eyes. I was living in my little dream world. Things were beautiful. I would rather live in fantasy. Wake up and breathe it in though. "Are you okay?" someone will ask, "I'm fine." But really I want to tell them everything. I can't ignore the sickness, it won't just go away. I need to own up to it sometime. Stop smiling and tell people that the world is ugly. Especially me.

I want to stop pretending. I want to accept that this is me, its a part of who I am. But I can't, no, I fucking won't. I'll hold it all in, keep the demon inside. No one has to know. No one will know.

This is the art of silence. The art of self destruction, which I am a master at. This is more then a vow of silence, it's a war raging inside my head, trying to be silenced.

Maybe someday my best friend will know, or maybe not. Maybe this is a disease best kept to one self. I do NOT need a "handle with care" sign around my neck. My god I will fight till the end before I tell someone. It's a hospital ride I don't need.

I'm not a saint, but I'm not a sinner, and everything is fine, as long as I'm getting thinner.

This Is the Real Thing.

2009-03-22T14:43:00.002-06:00

Awesome.

Lovin' life.

Hello friends.

Hello love.

Hello good times.

I am in control. And with these friends behind my back, I have nothing to lose. We are "Unstoppable".

At first I was hating who I was changing into, I didn't want to be happy, I wanted to stay at home, and hate life. I didn't want to be the girl that hung around football players, and did stupid things... And listen to "Swing". But I'm so in love with who I am now. I have never been happier in my life. I love those football players I used to hate. I love driving in mud and being scared we are going to die. I like making fun of jerks who used me. I like play fighting. I like being weird. I like liking boys. I like listening to shitty rap. I will love everything and anything I ever do with these people.

They are my life, they are me.

I am forever grateful to you three.

I love you.

Who Are You Now?

2009-03-17T20:29:00.003-06:00

Look at this beautiful world.

I do not care what car you drive, where you live, if you know someone who knows someone. If your clothes are this year's cutting edge. If your trust fund is unlimited. If you are A-list or B-list or never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing that you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.

I live in the clouds. Reality is not for me. People say I should come down, that the clouds are not a place for me to be. I smile at them. Maybe one day, I say. Maybe one day I will come down. But I never will. Reality is not for me. I shall stay up here. The view is quite breathtaking.

You know, sometimes I think I'm crazy. Random things just start spewing from my mouth, or from my brain to my fingertips. Sometimes I just think that other people want to know what it's like to live inside my brain. But then I remember they don't, they don't want to be included in my crazy thoughts.

I think sometimes I secretly love myself, and I don't realize it until someone tell's me that I am worth something. I know deep down inside I am a unique individual who deserves the world. But when I tell myself I deserve only the best, I feel selfish, and then I automatically think I deserve nothing.

I have a bad habit. My doctors tell me I'm the best actress around because I can pretend to be on top of the world, while in reality I want to kill myself, this is why I feel the clouds are a good place for me. Back to the subject, I'm trying hard to break that habit. I'm not going to be afraid to wear my emotions. I'm trying, you have to believe me.

I'm not afraid to live anymore. I'll tell you I love you. I'll tell you I hate you. I'll call you out when you're wrong. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I'm alive. I have an opinion. I will not be anyone's game. I don't care if you hate me for who I am, because I love myself, and I guess that's all that really matters.

The Queen Of Wishful Thinking.

2009-03-16T21:05:00.002-06:00

Wig out. This is still weird to me.

I wish to find who wrote this to me:

She's a fire that cant be put out, a spark that cant be extinguished, and a heart that is full of compassion. Time will tell if the flower between us will blossom

- Anonymous (Maybe it shouldn't be).

I'm finding so much beauty every where lately. In everything I do, everyone I talk to. Who doesn't want to be alive right now?

Sadly I don't have anything to say thats all that important. Lots of thoughts in my head that can't be contained.

Hey you, lets be

Very Much Alive

Shame For You.

2009-03-15T23:39:00.002-06:00

And if you come around saying sorry to me

My daddy's gonna show you how sorry you'll be.

Sometimes life isn't magical. Sometimes you have to work for what you want. My God if you love her, you better damn well fight for her. She won't forgive you until she knows you're worth it. You want something? Work for it. Thats what I've been doing. The other day someone told me that my dreams of doing competitive showjumping around the world and becoming someone was just a "silly dream." Well fuck you. I've already started. You used to laugh in my face for just getting everything I wanted handed to me on a silver platter. Well I worked for this jerk. I'm going across Canada riding this summer, and I also got the position of assistant trainer. So yea, fuck you if you say my dreams aren't realistic. At least I have a fucking plan. What do you have? A joint and a can of beer?

I won't ever let someone push me around, and let them call me a naive girl, never again. I picked the flowers and got rid of the weeds. I kept the people who believe in me. The one's who will support me, even through the silliest of things. So my god, if you want to keep threatening me with your "Oh poor me attitude", please continue on. I can't fix you. I WONT fix you. Get some real help. I'm here to help, just not in the way you need me.

I planned my wedding today. I couldn't be more excited. Too bad it's still like how many years away? Oh well.

Let's see how you feel in a couple of weeks,

When I work my way through your mates.

Life Of The Rich And Famous.

2009-03-15T19:43:00.003-06:00

Hello World.

I'm lacking creativity, in everything I do. I have an art block, I can't even write. What's wrong with me? Perhaps too many late nights and good times with my friends. New crushes perhaps? Playing too much Strip? Racing in the back of cars? Bad car dancing? What did I do to deserve such a large creative blank?

Maybe it's for the fact that the only thing I can think of is you, and I can barely talk to you anymore. I'm starting to feel the distance, and I don't want to. I never do.

My Accident..

2009-03-13T20:22:00.002-06:00

Soo... This is my crash.. I found it on video today...
It brings back so many memories.. I don't know how I feel about it. I can't believe I'm even putting it in a spot where I'm able to watch it over, and over again.
I guess it doesn't matter now. It was two years ago. I'm back in the sport.. I have a new horse.. Slowly but surely I'm coming back.
P.s. Did I mention how much I hate that horse?

Don't Let Me Stop you.

2009-03-11T23:36:00.002-06:00

How can I fix you, when I can't even fix myself?

I'm tired of goodbyes. I need some hello's. I worry about you constantly. I want to call you mine, I want to be your's baby. We paint such a pretty picture. White houses and green pastures, lemonade and willow trees. It all seems beautiful to me. I want to be official, I want eveyone to know. I want them to know I am yours and you are mine.

I honestly have the best friend in the whole wide world. I instantly feel better when he comes around. Who could ask for anymore?

My fingers are just dragging across the keyboard, my sleeping pills begging me to sleep. I don't know why I'm so desperately trying to deny the meds, but I am.

I need a new art project.

All I Ever Wanted.

2009-03-10T21:24:00.002-06:00

New meds. They make me tired.

Good thing I have you to hold

me up.

I'm too afraid to tell people.

I love my new horse.

I secretly cried last night when

we were talking.

I promised myself I wouldn't

feel this way.

I have to find a prom date.

How stressing.

I hate school.

I did something good for me

last night.

(I don't regret it)

I love you.

You were the last good thing

about this part of town.

You're all I think about.

I think about you as well,

whenever I hear a love song.

Sometimes I hate feelings.

I decided I love being

OCD.

I wish you would learn.

Sometimes its just so tempting.

Why aren't you here,

with me?

I'm too sleepy to think anymore.

Goodnight world,

Goodnight love.

Thinking Of You.

2009-03-09T20:33:00.003-06:00

Come home safe.

It was two weeks after the day she turned eighteen

All dressed in white

Going to the church that night

She had his box of letters in the passenger seat

Sixpence in a shoe, something borrowed, something blue

And when the church doors opened up wide

She put her veil down

Trying to hide the tears

Oh she just couldn't believe it

She heard trumpets from the military band

And the flowers fell out of her hand

I'm so scared for you.

I'm scared for us.

Baby why'd you leave me

Why'd you have to go?

I was counting on forever, now I'll never know

I can't even breathe

It's like I'm looking from a distance

Standing in the background

Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now

This can't be happening to me

This is just a dream

I don't know what I would

ever do without

you.

The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray

Lord please lift his soul, and heal this hurt

Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard

Then they handed her a folded up flag

And she held on to all she had left of him

Oh, and what could have been

And then the guns rang one last shot

And it felt like a bullet in her heart

Baby, please don't

leave me behind.

Don't go.

This is just a dream...

Take Me Away

2009-03-08T19:48:00.002-06:00

No, please go away.

I can feel it, it's coming again.

Creeping up on me.. go away, go away.

Don't take me.

Don't let me drown.

My stomach's in knots.

I want to be sane, to feel no more pain.

I'm starting to get lost in my thoughts

Distract me.

Everything is snowballing.

I need out.

Out of my head,

out of this town.