Soft Shock.

It feels so good,

being so bad.

I am addicted to trouble. I would quit it, but the rush feels just too damn good. How far can I go? Where will you draw the line? I won't live by your rules anymore. This is my own game, it's time for me to have some fun. It's done when I say it's done.

My Love Note Has Gone Flat.

You're almost as bad as

him.

Emotions won't stop circling around my head. What this one and that one said. I know who makes me happy. The one in my life is the one I need. I am no longer being pulled in the direction that everyone else wants me. Watch me blaze my own trail. You are either here for me or not. I'm not going to get in line, fuck you, I make my own plans.

Blanks The Name, Sociology's The Game

Do you feel beautiful yet?

This is a new heart. Something I can hopefully get right for once in my life. Shoot me in the smile because everything always seems to go wrong. Not this time. You can't fault a fuck for trying. The rock, the stars, they were almost as beautiful as you are. We are awkward and graceful, in our own messed up way. These are new emotions. A crush that didn't crush me. A perfect fit, you and I, I love how I can't reach you standing on my toes. It's your arms that pull me to safety and remind me to stay there. I'm no longer a fragile doll. Do your worst, we'll see who is the last one standing. This is the trust I never had before. This is the way I trust you with my life. What am I talking about? Hope. Trust. Love. Beauty. Romance. All these emotions that I'm numb to. The Novocain missed my mouth and hit my heart. What if I said I was missing you? Or I find comfort pressing my lips against yours. We are both so new, so shy. No one would've ever guessed it would be you and I. I'm living against their odds, against their world. We are connecting the dots to something that doesn't exist. There is no one else I would rather do it with.

xxoo

Just because I miss your arms. 

All I Have To Offer Is My Own Confusion.

We are so beautiful together.

The boy is something you can't have prescribed or bottled,

but a dose of him takes away all your problems.

Infinite refills.

Being without him is a nightmare on the skin.

He still swears I'm not insane.

The way his face lights up makes electricity seem secondary.

Jealousy has a vip pass to every room we're in.

I could not feel closer to him if our DNA was fused.

A feeling you want to keep in your pocket.

Somewhere even closer than your heart.

After the last time he picked my spirits off the floor I never fell that low again.

He knows me better than I do and he still wants to stick around.

He's actually proud of me - proud to be with me.

Most people build a home around their dreams, but we've built dreams around our home.

Tonight moonlight crawls in from the window minute by minute inching closer, wanting to be where I am.

Being held to your chest as I pretend to sleep, I hear birds outside that must have flown 15 stories just to get a glimpse, a peek.

Believe me. I can relate.

Laying under sheets and over our heads we always talk about "lost time" but it wasn't really that much of a loss if it got us where we are today.

Baby boy,

take a ride,

with me.

Your lips are pillows for my thoughts to fall asleep on.

Like Changing Seasons.

Everything feels new.

I feel sick.

But I still feel amazing.

I'm so inlike.

I love four by fouring.

My horse is better then ever.

I'm going back blonde.

I don't know how I feel

about that.

I feel like I can trust again.

Just not you.

I like having friends.

I will save you.

Just like you saved

me.

I keep looking at that picture.

It makes me smile,

everytime.

The Things That Are Reminding Me Of You.

I'm so in love with us.

Tingles. I felt them shoot up and down my arm when you helped me off the ground. Safety was all I knew, when I was in that truck with you. Courage and confidence, along with a smile, creep up my spine when you smile at me. It's you who seems to have changed my views on everything.

It's the little things too. I can't even reach you on my very tipy toes. The way you will carry me through a field when I complain I'm tired. I like how we are both too shy to be the first to do anything. I love play fighting with you, and you letting me win. I could go on and on, but I would rather keep those in my head.

Everything's Just Wonderful.

I'm lying, again.

Everything was fine until I opened my eyes. I was living in my little dream world. Things were beautiful. I would rather live in fantasy. Wake up and breathe it in though. "Are you okay?" someone will ask, "I'm fine." But really I want to tell them everything. I can't ignore the sickness, it won't just go away. I need to own up to it sometime. Stop smiling and tell people that the world is ugly. Especially me.

I want to stop pretending. I want to accept that this is me, its a part of who I am. But I can't, no, I fucking won't. I'll hold it all in, keep the demon inside. No one has to know. No one will know.

This is the art of silence. The art of self destruction, which I am a master at. This is more then a vow of silence, it's a war raging inside my head, trying to be silenced.

Maybe someday my best friend will know, or maybe not. Maybe this is a disease best kept to one self. I do NOT need a "handle with care" sign around my neck. My god I will fight till the end before I tell someone. It's a hospital ride I don't need.

I'm not a saint, but I'm not a sinner, and everything is fine, as long as I'm getting thinner.

This Is the Real Thing.

Awesome.

Lovin' life.

Hello friends.

Hello love.

Hello good times.

I am in control. And with these friends behind my back, I have nothing to lose. We are "Unstoppable".

At first I was hating who I was changing into, I didn't want to be happy, I wanted to stay at home, and hate life. I didn't want to be the girl that hung around football players, and did stupid things... And listen to "Swing". But I'm so in love with who I am now. I have never been happier in my life. I love those football players I used to hate. I love driving in mud and being scared we are going to die. I like making fun of jerks who used me. I like play fighting. I like being weird. I like liking boys. I like listening to shitty rap. I will love everything and anything I ever do with these people.

They are my life, they are me.

I am forever grateful to you three.

I love you.

Who Are You Now?

Look at this beautiful world.

I do not care what car you drive, where you live, if you know someone who knows someone. If your clothes are this year's cutting edge. If your trust fund is unlimited. If you are A-list or B-list or never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing that you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones and skin. I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.

I live in the clouds. Reality is not for me. People say I should come down, that the clouds are not a place for me to be. I smile at them. Maybe one day, I say. Maybe one day I will come down. But I never will. Reality is not for me. I shall stay up here. The view is quite breathtaking.

You know, sometimes I think I'm crazy. Random things just start spewing from my mouth, or from my brain to my fingertips. Sometimes I just think that other people want to know what it's like to live inside my brain. But then I remember they don't, they don't want to be included in my crazy thoughts.

I think sometimes I secretly love myself, and I don't realize it until someone tell's me that I am worth something. I know deep down inside I am a unique individual who deserves the world. But when I tell myself I deserve only the best, I feel selfish, and then I automatically think I deserve nothing.

I have a bad habit. My doctors tell me I'm the best actress around because I can pretend to be on top of the world, while in reality I want to kill myself, this is why I feel the clouds are a good place for me. Back to the subject, I'm trying hard to break that habit. I'm not going to be afraid to wear my emotions. I'm trying, you have to believe me.

I'm not afraid to live anymore. I'll tell you I love you. I'll tell you I hate you. I'll call you out when you're wrong. I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I'm alive. I have an opinion. I will not be anyone's game. I don't care if you hate me for who I am, because I love myself, and I guess that's all that really matters.

The Queen Of Wishful Thinking.

Wig out. This is still weird to me.

I wish to find who wrote this to me:

She's a fire that cant be put out, a spark that cant be extinguished, and a heart that is full of compassion. Time will tell if the flower between us will blossom

- Anonymous (Maybe it shouldn't be).

I'm finding so much beauty every where lately. In everything I do, everyone I talk to. Who doesn't want to be alive right now?

Sadly I don't have anything to say thats all that important. Lots of thoughts in my head that can't be contained.

Hey you, lets be

Very Much Alive

Shame For You.

And if you come around saying sorry to me

My daddy's gonna show you how sorry you'll be.

Sometimes life isn't magical. Sometimes you have to work for what you want. My God if you love her, you better damn well fight for her. She won't forgive you until she knows you're worth it. You want something? Work for it. Thats what I've been doing. The other day someone told me that my dreams of doing competitive showjumping around the world and becoming someone was just a "silly dream." Well fuck you. I've already started. You used to laugh in my face for just getting everything I wanted handed to me on a silver platter. Well I worked for this jerk. I'm going across Canada riding this summer, and I also got the position of assistant trainer. So yea, fuck you if you say my dreams aren't realistic. At least I have a fucking plan. What do you have? A joint and a can of beer?

I won't ever let someone push me around, and let them call me a naive girl, never again. I picked the flowers and got rid of the weeds. I kept the people who believe in me. The one's who will support me, even through the silliest of things. So my god, if you want to keep threatening me with your "Oh poor me attitude", please continue on. I can't fix you. I WONT fix you. Get some real help. I'm here to help, just not in the way you need me.

I planned my wedding today. I couldn't be more excited. Too bad it's still like how many years away? Oh well.

Let's see how you feel in a couple of weeks,

When I work my way through your mates.

Life Of The Rich And Famous.

Hello World.

I'm lacking creativity, in everything I do. I have an art block, I can't even write. What's wrong with me? Perhaps too many late nights and good times with my friends. New crushes perhaps? Playing too much Strip? Racing in the back of cars? Bad car dancing? What did I do to deserve such a large creative blank?

Maybe it's for the fact that the only thing I can think of is you, and I can barely talk to you anymore. I'm starting to feel the distance, and I don't want to. I never do.

My Accident..

Soo... This is my crash.. I found it on video today...
It brings back so many memories.. I don't know how I feel about it. I can't believe I'm even putting it in a spot where I'm able to watch it over, and over again.
I guess it doesn't matter now. It was two years ago. I'm back in the sport.. I have a new horse.. Slowly but surely I'm coming back.
P.s. Did I mention how much I hate that horse?

Don't Let Me Stop you.

How can I fix you, when I can't even fix myself?

I'm tired of goodbyes. I need some hello's. I worry about you constantly. I want to call you mine, I want to be your's baby. We paint such a pretty picture. White houses and green pastures, lemonade and willow trees. It all seems beautiful to me. I want to be official, I want eveyone to know. I want them to know I am yours and you are mine.

I honestly have the best friend in the whole wide world. I instantly feel better when he comes around. Who could ask for anymore?

My fingers are just dragging across the keyboard, my sleeping pills begging me to sleep. I don't know why I'm so desperately trying to deny the meds, but I am.

I need a new art project.

All I Ever Wanted.

New meds. They make me tired.

Good thing I have you to hold

me up.

I'm too afraid to tell people.

I love my new horse.

I secretly cried last night when

we were talking.

I promised myself I wouldn't

feel this way.

I have to find a prom date.

How stressing.

I hate school.

I did something good for me

last night.

(I don't regret it)

I love you.

You were the last good thing

about this part of town.

You're all I think about.

I think about you as well,

whenever I hear a love song.

Sometimes I hate feelings.

I decided I love being

OCD.

I wish you would learn.

Sometimes its just so tempting.

Why aren't you here,

with me?

I'm too sleepy to think anymore.

Goodnight world,

Goodnight love.

Thinking Of You.

Come home safe.

It was two weeks after the day she turned eighteen

All dressed in white

Going to the church that night

She had his box of letters in the passenger seat

Sixpence in a shoe, something borrowed, something blue

And when the church doors opened up wide

She put her veil down

Trying to hide the tears

Oh she just couldn't believe it

She heard trumpets from the military band

And the flowers fell out of her hand

I'm so scared for you.

I'm scared for us.

Baby why'd you leave me

Why'd you have to go?

I was counting on forever, now I'll never know

I can't even breathe

It's like I'm looking from a distance

Standing in the background

Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now

This can't be happening to me

This is just a dream

I don't know what I would

ever do without

you.

The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray

Lord please lift his soul, and heal this hurt

Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard

Then they handed her a folded up flag

And she held on to all she had left of him

Oh, and what could have been

And then the guns rang one last shot

And it felt like a bullet in her heart

Baby, please don't

leave me behind.

Don't go.

This is just a dream...

Take Me Away

No, please go away.

I can feel it, it's coming again.

Creeping up on me.. go away, go away.

Don't take me.

Don't let me drown.

My stomach's in knots.

I want to be sane, to feel no more pain.

I'm starting to get lost in my thoughts

Distract me.

Everything is snowballing.

I need out.

Out of my head,

out of this town.

Daddy's Little Girl... (Is So Fucked Up)

It wasn't supposed to happen like this...

Fighting the hole within

Hunger burns into her stomach walls

Itching to be fed

Nothing can solve the need

She won’t give in

Not now

Her brain tells her,

She’s won control

Banishing the hunger

Vanishing the need Refusing to surrender

The mirror repeats otherwise

Screaming for her to admit defeat

Ribs protruding from her abdomen

The pelvic bone jagged and sharp

Her hair frail and thin

Facial expressions of triumph reign over her face

Signaling the joy of her skeletally bony figure

But her eyes,Crystalline and blue,

Reveal the truth

The anger and waves dissatisfaction that shroud her in clumps

The public whispers otherwise

They smile at the slender little girl

Speaking with kindness to the petite girl

Never understanding what she feels

They tell her she’s pretty

Thin and small

They tell her they’re envious

They inform her that beauty is thin

These words only encourage her

Egging her on

Making her go farther

Till she can’t go no more

It wasn't supposed to happen this way...

There's Too Much Green To Feel Blue.

You make me feel so

Goddamned beautiful.

Baby, take my hand and never look back, they'll tear us apart if you give them the chance. Remember that? Well it's true. Run baby, run.

Thank you for loving me.

I love you.

Dearest Mistake

Your existence has been

erased.

I Told You Not To Fall In Love With Me

He keeps me safe.

Remember this?

Her: You don't know the first thing about being someone's friend.

Him: I don't want to just be your friend.

Her: You don't know what you want.

Him: Neither do you. Maybe you're just too scared that someone might actually want to be with you.

Her: And why would that scare me?

Him: Because then you wouldn't be able to hide behind your books, or your frickin' telescope, or your faith. No, no, you know the real reason why you're scared? It's cause you wanna be with me too.

You said to me yesterday "Kelsey, I won't let you run away." Thats what I need. I'm done with running. I don't want to run when Im scared anymore. I want a hand to hold and face my fear. Who better to do that with then someone who knows how I operate?

Pinky Promise.

In case you haven't noticed yet,

I ain't nothing to fuck with,

baby.

Long nights, troubled fights. It's nothing, just tell me how to make it right. I already know the answer, cuddled deep within your arms. I swear to god you're charmed. "But, baby boy, I'm so confused." He laughs, "I'm superman, I'll do it for you." June is just a smile away, with the help of your hand to guide the way. I have no senses when it comes to you. Ears that sing me to sleep, fingers that listen to all my problems, a mouth that looks at my beauty, and eyes that listen to my pain. Look at what you've done, you made me insane. It's a beautiful insane though. One that keeps me safe and happy, an insane that doesn't judge but laughs and dances instead. Most importantly, its an insane that loves. Hey, Crazy Kid, come join me on the ride. Never be scared, never hide, just promise me, you'll always be by my side.

Brick By Brick My Citizens, Brick By Brick.

I found me.

I feel like I've been in a coma. I haven't actually been living life. Dead inside, dead to life. I'm bored of hiding behing a mask, behind lies, and living in the dark. I want to be me again. A good friend of mine taught me what it meant to be alive today, he brought back memories from when I was 13, when I was the real Kelsey.

This guy helped me too:

Thank you.
I was crippled for the rest of my life, I got better, He made me better! Hell you made me better!

You don't throw away a whole life just because it's banged up a little. It's funny how something that can't even talk can just change your whole life around.

You know, everybody thinks we found this broken-down horse and fixed him. But we didn't. He fixed us; every one of us. And I guess in a way, we kinda fixed each other too.

Bulletproof Revenge

Hey you motherfucking bitch slutbag whore.
I hate you. Yea, I hate you a whole fucking lot... And now you see, hate isn't a word I use very often.. and technically if I hated you that would mean I would still have some kind of feeling, some kind of emotion, some kind of attachment left to you. Which I don't.. Oh no, I'm indifferent to you.
You fuck up my life so much. All the time. Every single fucking relationship or friendship I had with anyone, you would end up ruining. Not anymore. This was the last time you fucked me over. Especially when you knew I needed something good in my life.
I swear to god you stupid bitch, you better watch your fucking back because you have another thing coming.
I never knew that everything was falling through. That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue to turn and run when all Ineeded was the truth. But thats how its gotta be, coming down to more than I can feel.
So you know what I say? Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
How does it feel knowing that at the end of the day no one is there for you? Everyone knows you're just a backstabbing whore who only looks out for herself.
Leave me, and my friends the fuck alone you stupid bitch.

P.s. Your boyfriend told me how much he hated you and the only reason why he was dating you...

Ohh and MY best friend Joe actually really hates your guts! You know how I know? Because Floyd, Joe and I used to get a good laugh out of you.

Bye, bye, Bitch.

You Better Pray.

Here's your trophy on my face, it's just an eye anyway..

That was the last time EVER.

Cover up with makeup in the mirror

tell yourself, it's never gonna happen again

You cry alone and then he swears he loves you.

When did this storm begin?

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?

Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?

When will this story end?

Face down in the dirt, she said,

"This doesn't hurt", she said,

"I finally had enough."

This will go no further, I swear it dies today.

Your nights will stay forever if you dare once more touch me.

It's off my chest.

I can live.

You Have Made Me What I Am.

I fell in love overnight every night for over a year with the same boy. He loves me for the same reasons archaeologists dig through dirt. The way an anorexic will sometimes still have to eat. The way buildings are worth more when they are made out of cement and not concrete. The way the sun still has to show up after a bad night. I love him the way a bed is always cold when no ones slept in it recently. The way the moon is always in the sky but no one notices it until night. The way books have brail print incase you cant read them. Lift his spirits and that shirt, nothing can bring me down tonight. Our hands fit together perfectly and so do our feet. Everything I've ever wanted in a boy, in myself...I have in him.

I am the end result of never saying "I love you" until there is nothing left to love. I am the fireworks that didn't go off. I am pencil marks on paper you cant totally erase clean. I am the conclusion drawn based off something that never started. I am a nosebleed seat for the electric chair. Damaged goods that are ironically named. I am a product of every bad thing that has happened to me over the past.... Eventually I stopped being me and became some paranoid, scared and alone, loner waiting for the past to repeat itself- and it always does. The only ups in my life are throw up, give up, and grow up. If you want to say you love me I wont believe you, if you want to say you'll leave me I wont let you. It's so hard to basically be two different people in one- one fighting to keep you close and the other fighting to push you away so we dont get hurt. See- I've been lied to so much everything is a flashing neon warning sign to run now even if you're telling the truth. Then again when friends wave a warning flag in my face about a boy I just ask them to stop blocking my view. Everyone gets you where they want you and then they dont want you anymore. You lose your appeal when you stop turning heads and causing catfights in clubs. I'm hard to get but easy to forget. Easy to leave. Will I ever get time to heal if I keep getting new scars? Maybe try asking me to see what youre saying when I dont have Sore eyes. I pushed everyone away to make you happy and now I'm alone. He gave up on me because I wasn't worth the fight- he ignores my existance now and I wish I could do the same- mine not his. And he gave up on me cause he never cared in the first place.. But really, why should anyone care? I was the last person alive that cares about me and I just stopped caring...

Kelsey's Sunday Secrets:

-I am having my first real crush for the first time in months.

-Thursday, Friday, and Saturday have been the funnest nights in my life.

- I found trust again in an old friend.

- I have a disease Im not yet willing to tell anyone.

- I told my best friend, and his best friend my biggest secret... It felt amazing to get off my chest.

- I keep losing old friends, but I don't even care anymore.

- I had to explain to my Grandma today what happened to my leg.. I've never seen her cry before.

- I don't believe in love.

-I'm scared of going back to school tomorrow.

- I feel like having a good cry right now, but I'm just way too happy.

- I still don't know if I can trust you.

- I can't stop listening to Chasing Car's by Snow Patrol.

- I wish someday I can get up the courage to tell you what really happened.

I cherished.

You perished.

The world's been nightmarished.

I Can Remember When I Mattered, Just Not Yo You.

"This is more then I'll ever

admit to

myself"

Drained and still invalidated despite all efforts (emphasis on spite) two bodies remain paused in their struggle to find love while the world below moves on. She wakes first, blurry morning eyes just want somebody there. The dirt on the window seems to signify the way that the sun will never shine on their skin the same way again. Insinuates that you never really see the picture clearly until youre out of it. The straight line split in the curtains makes up for the lack of spine on his back. The stories he can't tell reveal themselves in the way he slurs and stutters excuses into the cellphone. The corner of his smile has a spike like the punch he keeps his secrets in. The only thing he notices about her is she looks better face down when she could be mistaken someone else. She's creaking loose floorboards with a mattress spring to match. Her heart ticking that echoes inside his skull. A makeshift timebomb. a quivering cache on the waivering justice scales. Is it enough, is it enough? "If that heart is really so beautiful why would it emasculate me every time I see it? every time I see he just puts his hand over it, not making a promise on oath but breaking them by faith. Breaking them with honest eyes." Whispers against ears that know better but perk up anyway. Lethargic wrinkles in the sheets where she was once, smelling the night air that seems to have weakened without her. Or just the lungs inhaling it in. Convince me. Everybody wants to cause an impact not be the aftermath. Its a dog eat dog world- belly up on the buffet line. We feed on the dirt we're buried under until we (or our egos) are too bloated to move. When the final nail in your coffin is rusty does it matter that the coffin is too? Is it enough, is this enough? Stop time to save time, run out of time and run out on me. Stomachache from all the secrets in my head running out of room, wanting me to vomit them out. You only ever called to call me out. Deteriorating due to lack of touch instead of too much. The dust in the cracks of our worst breakdowns, reminding us where we failed before when each old wound is reopened by the same slash. Deep. The rain hits the pavement to wash away our feet prints, these memories. It can't get inside a head or a heart and neither can I. Concrete heart and tar lips sealed shut. We've been opening the wrong parts. I can spot flaws in anyone, simply because I have them all.

No one wants to get hurt in this two star town. I'm tired of the fakes and gossip. I wish things were real again. I want to feel real love, I want to know what love is for god's sake. I want smiles to be real and not deciving. I'm tired of getting hurt.

Shane, I miss you and I haven't heard from you in a while. Please tell me you're safe? I love you.

In January I jabbed my arm at night with the row of pins, and woke up thinking of you.