Make Out With Me?

I'm afraid.

I'm tired.

I want you.

I trust you.

Even though she doesn't believe in love, he's determined to call her bluff.

I'm scared of getting hurt again. You have to understand I've built a big wall around my heart. I refuse to get humiliated, and stomped to the floor again.

I trust you though. I just have a feeling, and I hope its the right one. But then again I could just be getting tricked by your accent, but I don't think thats the case.

I really can't make sense of anything right now since its late, and I was busy as can be all night. All I know is I have amazing friends who have my back, and I would do anything for them.

Anywho... I'll make things sound better when Im a little more awake..

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars Goodnight old broke down cars I'm going away, I'm leaving soon Goodnight darlin' Goodnight moon

Took A Walk For the Very First Time On the Dark Side of the Dance Floor.

I am your silent supporter.

And while I am juvenile, egotistical, over the top and villainous... I am yours. And to you... Iwill give you everything I have and I will continue to give you my heart on this stupid blog while you leave your criticisms, back handed compliments and fuming words... Remember, its my heart I put up here as a target. (And yes, I have read each and every last comment you have ever left) So keep taking yourshots. But just remember, I'm on your team. I always have been.

Now that this subject

has been dealth with...

I feel alive. I want to be dangerous, fall in love, take an adventure. I want to take the next plane ride right into your arms. I want a lot of things out of life, thank god I didn't quit when I wanted to.

There's so much bouncing back and forth inside my head, one thought turning from chic to geek. I feel like painting the happiest colors. I want to throw my hands in the air and spin in circles while smiling. I feel free, and liberated. Beautiful even.

I've been dancing with minds and loving every minute of it. I'm not afraid to be bold or flirtatious. And I'll tell you when I have a fucking problem with you.

Poetry is stuck on my fingertips and my brain just can't seem to understand what they want to say. Creativity, please come back to me?

I spent the day at my Grandparent's house. From the minute I walked in the door I had a big smile on my face for the fact that my Grandpa said to me "Hey Red." And that is my new favorite nickname, and he didn't even know it!

I spent most of the day with my grandma, her telling me stories like she always does. I felt loved and taken care of again. She tucked me into bed and brought me my favorite Peppermint Tea, she then sat by myside telling me stories until I fell asleep. She then accidentally woke me up by kissing my forehead, but secretly it just put a huge smile on my face. I always leave their house feeling wonderful, knowing I have so much more life to live. And Im excited to live it.

I then went on the town with Mat and Chris. (PS, boys from Wales kiss the best hehe). I had a good time with them, as per usual. I'm very excited for the next time we all hang out... Although Im pretty sure we won't play Hide and Seek in Superstore next time, since it ended poorly...

Amyways, I know this blog doesn't really make sense.. But at least everything is out in the open. I'm sorry I didn't write things beautifully and poetically.. I just had a story to tell. Plain and simple.

Life is wasted on the moments we spend waiting in lines, stuck in traffic, and searching for love.

Long Days - Fleeting Nights, Wake Me Under Flashing Lights.

Yea, we all want to be big, big stars,

but then we have second thoughts about that.

Its give and take until you've given more than you could ever dream of having. And every breath I take is carefully guided from my lips to yours. I want to be your life support when all else fails. I'll hook you up to the IV, lay you down on the gurney, and kiss your eyes closed. nothing is more/less attractive than helplessness.

It's too bad beauty pageants aren't held in hospital wings. Robes as dresses, needles as necklaces, and rubber bands to hold up their tresses. High heels are replaced with cold heels against lime scented tile. It's much easier to turn and wave without the threat of falling flat on your face.

This morning I cried myself to sleep just to forget about last night. The way I cleverly crafted myself into every person I have ever hated mixed into one. The only thing I hate more than liars are hypocrites. Fakes. What do you have left if not your face?

You can cry wolf all you want, but every time you do I'm looking straight at you. This mess was made by two, not too much alcohol or deception. This was the result of heads thinking too much, of hearts loving too fast. Our bodies are stripped and laid out to rest. Darling, this is love, not a contest.

But you've challenged every move I've made, watched me fall, and shoved it in my face. Make me out to be the bad guy all you want, because in the end you and I both know the truth. Make sure what you're playing with is something you're willing to lose.

The world is quiet here.

sXe For Life.

Forget the party scene.

I'm going back to who I used to be.

And this is why:

Big question: why do I call myself straight edge and what does it mean to me?

Understand this. There is no one true definition of straight edge. What it is to me will probably be completely different to how boo or jim or pete see it. Edge is one basic premise, a lifetime commitment to abstain from drinking, smoking and drugs. I personally agree with the legendary 90s band RAID when they say that straight edge is a platform to build upon. Me, I see it as an opportunity to open doors for self-discovery. To re-write and re-draft my life. To constantly ask why. Why I look the way I do, why I live the life I do, why I love who I love, why I find something attractive and yet not another, to confront my fears and to form honest and lasting relationships. For me it is the personal. For others it may be political. nowhere does it say to preach. Those kids represent a small minority and will likely be gone in 5 years or when they turn 21, whichever comes first. if I come off preaching, its not because im straight edge...its because I'm a Bitch. when XjerkoffX signs on and replies to your post and talks shit, its not because he or she is straight edge, its because XjerkoffXs parents didn't teach the poor kid how to elaborate and express their feelings very well. Are there edge kids who are assholes? Sure. Just like every other group of people. And just like any other group of people, you can focus on the few of that group who give them a bad name and twist it to fit whatever position you take.

now why am I straight edge?

Okay, let me pose you this question. Have you ever banged your thumb with a hammer on purpose? Probably not. Why? Because it would hurt and probably injure your body, Right? This is the way I see drinking, drugs etc. I've seen what it can do to families, relationships and how it can tear peoples lives apart. I've seen car crashes, been to funerals, hear the date rape stories, seen drive bys, seen people get beatup, seen kids get beaten and seen mothers being beaten... All with the driving force of alcohol. And just like the hammer, it just doesnt make sense. When I was 14 and punker than fuck, what was the most punk thing you could do? Go get fucked up? Fuck no. It was going to parties and when someone asks why I didn't drink, without preaching just saying why I chose not to. It fucks with people. Because drinking should be rebellion, right? Yet how is it rebellion when everyones doing it, even your parents? I say fuck their shitty pseudo rebellion, and I still do. Buying into alcohol and tobacco companies is the most un-punk thing you can do. You have no idea how many times I was pushed around, punched, because people cant get out of that high school mentality of "you dont fit in". Whats even worse are the adults who never grow out of that. do I hate people who drink? Fuck no. Do i care if you drink? No, I couldn't give a shit. But I'll tell you when I do.

When my bestfriend cant walk home because the bars just let out.

When my sister get pushed down by drunk adults.

When my mom gets rear-ended by a drunk driver.

When my friends get beaten up.

When people dont know how to be themselves with out beer.

When I get harassed.

When I know that driving after midnight on a saturday night/sunday morning 2 out of every 3 drivers are legally drunk.

When I hear about football players date raping girls.

When I hear about the frat boys gang-banging passed out girls.

When alcohol or drugs are involved in over 80% of the felonys committed in Canada every year.

When I hear people laugh about getting their third DUI.

Thats when I care. thats when I get angry. That's when I make shitty, angry posts. And guess what? I dont care if you are an alcoholic or not, if you're mature enough to make the decision to pick up that bottle then you should be mature enough to face the conseqences. Because if you're out driving drunk and my mom, or my sister or my friends or my boyfriend is directly threatened by your lack of self-control, if your actions directly threaten the well being of anyone I love...then fuck you. Yes, fuck you I hope your mother dies of fucking cancer and you choke on your own vomit. And if that makes me an elitest...then so be it.

You tell me that I make no difference, but at least im fucking trying...what the fuck have you done?

Safe Place To Hide.

Baby Boy, I'm about to

tell you a story.

I remember sitting in the basement, surrounded by friends, but yet, I still felt so alone. Watching Guitar Hero was getting boring and I was about to pull out my phone, and call my mom. A tall boy in a bright red shirt walked down the stairs and sat down. I instantly wanted to get his attention. I wanted to so badly come up to you and make a conversation, but I was way too shy.

I don't even know, or remember how it happened, suddenly, you were teaching me how to play pool. I was starting to gain hope at that point. Sure I didn't think it would turn into something, but it was attention for one night, that was all I needed, one night of hope.

It was time for the bombfire. Yet again, I don't remember how it happened, I just remember ending up in the field beside her house, the field that had a red truck, some large bushes, and a trailer. We were talking, I looked in your eyes and I knew, instantly I could trust you with everything. The words "I've never been kissed" flew out of my mouth. I knew I wanted you to be the first.

I remember doing the Tango by the bushes, I remember you leaning in for a kiss. I could have sworn my heart stopped, I didn't know what to do, I honestly think you put me into shock.

We kissed more and more, I had never felt more comfortable in my own skin. You helped me be that much more self confident...

I mostly remember the best night of my life, the night that changed my life forever. The night where I found the love of my life.

We have so many firsts left, and I can't wait to experience them all.

Baby, we are unstoppable.

We are Very Much Alive

Save You

They taped over your mouth,

scribbled out the truth with their lies,

you little spies.

Don't tell me that this is going to be an ongoing problem. Again. I should listen to everyone who is warning me, I really honestly should. I just can't let go of the past. I want to believe there is good in everyone. Why am I inviting a broken heart my way? Maybe it's just the hurt I like, or maybe it's faith, something I so willingly wish you had.

He was the first boy to call me beautiful.

He was the first boy to properly ask me out.

He was the first boy to pay for my dinner.

He was the first boy I said "I love you" to.

He was the first to see all of me.

He was the first to embrace all of me.

Those were the reasons I was holding on. But your convincing me that maybe I should listen to them... I'm tired of lies about myself and I'm tired of certain people believing them. 

Give me a reason to have faith in you.

Give me a reason to hang on.

Because, I'm about to give up everything for you.

I love this song, I can't help but think of someone when I am listening to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hPGQLZedE0&feature=related

Who do you think about when you listen to it?

If Your Heart Was Broken.... You Would Be Dead.

I am not your puppet.

Not anymore.

I go after what I want, when I want it. I don't care about other people's agenda's or motives, all that matters in the end is me, what I want. I think it's awful when others are trying to control your life, trying to stop you from what you want. I think it's called being a door mat, something that you tried very hard to beat out of my skull. I suppose we just traded personalities.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUW6YjsRJ-Q

Rusk kept on telling me that I was good at playing mind games, I denied it. Little does he know of half the mind games I actually play. He said he couldn't believe he was a 27 year old falling for a 17 year old tricks. I wasn't even trying to play him.

Oh baby, we could wreck the world.

I always find I have the best conversations with strangers. He was someone I admired from afar, for a while and I finally had a chance to talk to him today. It was funny how much we had in common, it was like looking at me, only in boy form. I think I fell in love as soon as the word "ativan" came up. He gave me insight to myself, which again, only helps me more and more.

I snuck into a movie today, I feel pretty bad ass.

Why would I do that?

Because I am

Very Much Alive.

Cold Tears And Coffee Cake

The sign forgot to say

"I love you"

I look down at each scar sadly. It was just someone I loved that I lost, I didn't need to hurt myself. I look at each scar and remember the torment that brought me to the self loathing. I believed the words. I was nothing but a hoe and a trick. I hate myself that I let it get to me, but if it wasn't for my broken heart I wouldn't have ever learned anything.

The boys at the hospital let me know I was worth more then that, I didn't believe them at first, but I do now. I won't let someone take me down like that, never again. They told me I was better than you, and how god, they wished they could have saved me.

They would always sing me this song when they could tell I was blue, it means more when they are playing the guitar and singing it to me, but still the song and video have the same effect over my heart strings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8IQlax-egE

I ran away from something tonight. I got scared. But don't we all? I just wish you knew me well enough to pull me back in, because right now I'm running and screaming.

Better Than Anything Else.

Bite your lip.

Stop. Just stop. It's wrong. But it feels too damn good. Remember the hurt, remember the pain, remember how everything went wrong. It won't stop, the memories I mean. I've tried, tried to rid this from my mind. Go away, go away, I don't want to remember the old days. Addiction, I can't quit it. No trust, no trust in you, I just desperately try to believe in you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-A-4NQfFRs

I miss Band :45 a lot, I can't wait until we are reunited.

I miss being called Little Red.

I miss "She Will Be Loved".

I miss secret notes we would get in trouble for.

I miss late night talks.

I miss watching a room full of men crying watching Titanic.

I miss not wearing any make up at all and still feeling beautiful.

Sometimes I wonder if I was better off stuck in there. It was a party every day, filled with people who shared the same beliefe as me, against drugs, against drinking.

I am happy though that all my problems were fixed in there. I will always struggle with one for my whole life, but I know I'm strong enough to resist the temptation. I have to be.

I feel like I have a lot to talk about, but I really don't. Just things I am excited for, things I am excited about, and people I love.

I'm glad you and I patched things up. We were never meant to be apart. But I had to rid you from my life. You killed me inside. I forgive you, I truly do, I'm not even that mad at you anymore, just a little bit, I just have no trust for you. But I know it will be built back up soon enough. I've missed you.

Red isn't waiting around for anyone any more. Want to know why? Because she is Very Much Alive.

It's Great To Be Alive.

Enjoy the dream.

I've been given something brilliant and I've tried so desperately to ruin it. Something I am so afraid of and I can't handle it sometimes. I take every breath, every step, every laugh for granted. I only took the love I thought I deserved, and I neglected to help my heart while it was breaking. I hated compliments, I'd look the other way and wish you made me cry instead.

The point is, I've learned what my seventeen year old life is all about. I know how to handle myself now, I know how to live life. I know how to love life. It's not about being happy all the time, so don't fill yourself with false hope. It's knowing how to survive, how to cope. Knowing how to respect yourself.

I met so many great people. Frankie, Craig, Rusk, Carson and Cody all taught me valuable lessons, maybe even greater lessons then the ones my doctors gave me. They asked me questions I didn't know how to answer "Kelsey, why do you have to put on such a brave face in front of me?". They made me laugh, they in fact kept count on how many times I snorted during my stay. One specifically showed me the love I deserved, the abuse I didn't need in my life. I could go on and on about the lessons they taught me, and the special moments we had together, I just want to embrace them and live in those moments for a little while longer before telling the world.

Hey world,

I'm Very Much Alive.

A Note From Mom.

Hi all,
so Kelsey is back in the hospital. She has been there since wednesday night after some unfortunate events, We expect that she will be in for another week if not more. She misses you all a lot, and she can't wait to see you when she gets back to school, whenever that may be. She's trying hard to stay strong for everyone, but she just needs sometime. I ask of you to please be there for her as much as possible, in little ways.
If you have any questions or concerns, or if you would like to visit her, please call our home phone and ask for Kelsey's mom, I'll be sure to tell you everything you need to know.
Thank you all for being so great in Kelsey's past recovery, I know you will still be here for her now.
Thanks for listening.
=]

Here's To The Past.

Baby, you make me so happy.

Date night: Friday.

What to wear: Not a clue!

I'm excited for that first kiss feeling again, a new touch.

I've decided that some people are too touchy about some subjects. I've also realized how people like to play head games. Its a mental mind fuck, but I'm good at fucking you over too. I think people forget that. I've decided rumors are silly, and people are silly to listen to them. The one currently going around about me is simply not true (duh, you don't have to be a moron to figure that one out) But I'm okay with it. People can talk shit about me all they want, they are just making me the center of attention, which I love. Call me a bitch, a hoe, or a trick all you want, sweetie you had me, you know how I like to play games. It also kind of makes me sound like a bad girl when you say it, which is awesome, I've always wanted to be one. But really its not like people really listen to you anyways, everyone I know kind of thinks you're a joke (Yea, even you're friends, we have a nice time talking about you.). And I know the words you say are only because you are hurt, because you fucked up. But it's okay, I don't really take anything you say to heart, because like I said, I think you're a big joke. I do think it's sad that you actually believed that rumor though. But I'm bullet proof.

Enough ranting though. I'm loving my life so much. I feel reborn, untouchable, throw me your best punch, I'll knock you straight on your ass. I've fallen in love with the words and wisdom of The Dalia Lama. He makes life look so much more positive.

I'm taking a big leap, and ending up god knows where, why?

Because I am

Very Much Alive.

Why Don't You Just Drop Dead?

I wish for you to leave me alone now,

Kay? Thanks, bye.

I feel most excellent about all of the events that have happened in the last week. I feel free, and liberated. I can kiss whoever I want, whenever I want. I don't have any more jealous people in my life, and it makes me happy.

I don't really know what else to say except for I am very happy with life, with the new experiences up the road. I feel adventorous. I feel crazy. I feel lucky.

I have my first modelling shoot in the next upcoming week, I am so excited and nervous.

This is the new me.

I am positive.

I am beautiful.

I am going places.

I am confident.

I am Very Much Alive.

Lies For The Liars

Liar, liar.

It's strange to think the songs we used to sing

The smiles, the flowers, everything: is gone

Yesterday I found out about you

Even now just looking at you: feels wrong

You say that you'd take it all back, given one chance

It was a moment of weakness and you said yes...

You should've said no, you should've gone home

You should've thought twice before you let it all go

You should've know that word, bout what you did with her

Would get back to me...

And I should've been there, in the back of your mind

I shouldn't be asking myself why

You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet...

You should've said no, baby and you might still have me

You can see that I've been crying

And baby you know all the right things: to say

But do you honestly expect me to believe

We could ever be the same...

You say that the past is the past, you need one chance

It was a moment of weakness and you said yes...

I can't resist...

before you go, tell me this

Was it worth it...

Was she worth this...

No.

You should've said no, baby and you might still have me

Too Late To Apologize

Maybe tomorrow you will get it right.

To the boy I thought loved me, one last song, this is to you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm0T7_SGee4

I found beauty, and love, and friendship today in all the places I had forgotten. All the things I used to love just swept under the rug. I guess thats just what happens with me though, I get preoccupied with one thing, and forget about all the other things in my life. I wish that wouldn't happen. I wish I could find balance.

An old best friend came into my life today, and he made me realize a lot of things. I MISSED HIM to pieces. He kept me sane, and in a good mood. I have hundreds of diary entries about our friendship. The crazy things we used to do. TAPE WARS. He better be prepared. I'm carrying tape with me all the time.

I am also very confused in my life right now. Everything is a blurry mess of everything and nothing at the same time. Im confused about love, about dating, ex's and new possibilities. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I want to start piano lessons. This whole paragraph does not make sense, but I think Im okay with it, because it's kind of like how my brain is functioning.

I laughed really hard today, but then it made me cry. While sitting in the doctors office my mom turned to me and said:
"Kelsey, please try having a good boyfriend, and if you don't like having a nice boy in your life then go back to those old bad boyfriends of yours."

And its so true. I seem to fall for those who hurt and control me.

Im turning a new leaf though, I am only dating those who treat me well, and with the respect I deserve.

I hope everything goes well for everyone, lately everyone seems to be blue, which is upsetting because Im finally flying high in all the bright colors, and no one else feels that anymore.. I hope I can help them as much as possible, because truely, I love these people with all my heart and I hate seeing them hurting. I just want to be there for them as much as I can.

I don't know what else to say...

Wait I know...

I feel liberated.

And.

Very Much Alive.

A Shot In The Dark.

So, I am going to do it.

I am going to call that number, that the modeling scout gave to me. I'm so scared and excited at the same time.

What if I could be something big? What if I could be a star?

I'm not going to wonder anymore. I have no one holding me back. Especially him.

I know what I want, and when I want it.

But I am scared too.

What if I fail in the modeling world? I could fall flat on my face. But at this point I don't think I care. I've always wanted this. I'm going to obtain it. I'm going for it.

Excuse me, I have to make a call.

The Danger In Starting A Fire.

And I'm so safe in his arms.

Baby, we'll catch the world on fire.

I miss you every day

I love you more every day.

I want to write about you non-stop.

I want to feel your lips on mine.

I want you to wrap your coat around me when Im cold.

I want you to hold me when Im scared.

I want you to be the one.

My only one.

Only you can play with fire.

Damn boy, I love you.

And you're right.

We are very, very, very

much alive.

P.S. thanks for reminding me what I deserve.

And I deserved so much better then him.

♥ ♥ ♥

Hate Is A Strong Word.......

Baby, Can You Play With Fire?

I wanna man by my side

Not a boy who runs and hides

Are you gonna fight for me?

Die for me?

Live and breathe for me?

Do you care for me?

Cause if you don't then just leave

I can't believe it's really you

Been so long, you look good

I hear you're doing really well

Don't ask me, let me tell you

How I've been since when you left

Since you left me for dead

Finally every tear has dried

I've wiped you from my life

Do you remember all the times you said you'd call me

'Cause I remember all the reasons people warned me

And now I hear you saying that you still adore me

But if you think I'd ever get with you again

Then you can just

Love me, love me

Feed the flame

If you want me back again

Burn into the sky

Higher and higher

Baby, can you play with fire?

You never know just what you got

'Til it's gone, you freak out

But I'm not falling for that game

Boys like you never change

You made me feel I wasn't enough

Wasn't enough for your love

But it was insecurity that made you run

It wasn't me.

So don't you sit there trying to

Give me more excuses

I don't have time for this

I'm off to play in Houston

And I'm too busy with the millions things I'm doing

You can't make up for what you've done

But you still try to be the one

Ooh, by the way, by the way

I've found someone who gives me space

Keeps me safe

Makes me sane

Found someone to take your place

Now I'm safe in his arms

And I decided only he can play with fire.

This Is Me, Come And See.

Very Much Alive.

I am alive, are you?

I feel like I found out everything that makes me happy today.

I figured out what makes me feel beautiful today.

I know who truly loves me, when did I find this out? Today.

I am just so extatic, and happy with life, I don't know how to put it into words, I don't write happy things very often, so they are harder to talk about, which is sad when you kind of think about it.

I love life.

I couldn't be any happier I am alive.

Could you?

But I Ditched The Car And Left You Too.

You fucking bitch.

You are supposed to be my sister. Why would you say that to me? Why would you make me cry? Do you want me to fall apart? Do you judge me for my past, can you truely not love me because of it? Why did you drive away? Why did you not make things better?

I'm broken. You finished me off.

Goodbye.

Don't Know When To Stop, Or Where To Start.

Why do you do this to me?

Maybe there's beauty in goodbye

no one's wrong or right, you're about fly, then you walk away

There's just no reason left to try

now it's gone too far, look at where we are

You push me awayAnother black day

Let's count up the reasons to cry

Look what you've missed, living like this

Nobody wins.

My Silent Undoing.

I need a fix I can't take it.

Just one more hit,

I promise I can deal with it.

I'll handle it, quit it, just one more time,

then thats it.

Just a little help to get me through this.

I don't know whether to admit defeat, or indulge in it. Puffs of smoke are circling around my mind. You just taste so damn good. Am I trying to die quicker? Is my subconscience doing this to me?

I don't want to blame him for my mistake. And I don't, he honestly thought he was helping me out, and he did. Until I felt a surge of guilt.

It's funny though how some people managed to help me, give me a shoulder to lean on when I felt guilty, and then that one person I counted on to help me the most, HURT me the most.

Thank you Sio, for letting me know it was okay, that it was only a small mistake, I could have done worst. You helped me a lot before I burst into tears.

Never give a cutter your old blade.

I'm always afraid that I am going to fall back onto bad habits, that I am always going to be this fucked up. I talked to my therapist the other day.... She said when I feel like self harming, and when I tank this low I need to be put back in the hospital straight away. Fuck that. So I guess this can be our little secret.

It's not that I want to cut, I just miss it. An addiction I can't quite kick. I like to dig my nails really hard into my skin sometimes, but I swear thats not self destruction.

I KNOW, I will never cut again. I'm stronger then that.

I can't eat anything
Without shoving my hands down my throat
And I refuse to meet the world without smearing on makeup
With my hair blinding my eyes.

I'm not going to lie. This is by far the hardest habit to quit. I want to be thin, I want to be beautiful.

"Kelsey, why do you do this to yourself?"
"Because I want to be thin, I want to be beautiful."
"You already are all those things."

Thats my mom's and I most frequent conversation, I never believe her though when she tells me the last sentence.

I don't own an eating disorder, maybe just a brain disorder. There is nothing wrong with me. I AM eating.

I'm So Sorry, But Not Really.

You can occupy my every sight

You can rent a space inside my mind,

at least until the price

becomes too high.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VtJCi6Jhfc

She wants revenge.

"I Don't Wanna Hold Her Down, I Don't Wanna Break Her Crown."

I'm going to live my romantic dreams.

I deserve that. I am a hopeless romantic, and a big dreamer, baby make it all come true. I want rocks hitting my window, in the middle of the night. I want you to help sneak me out of my window, then laughing and running to your car. A long midnight drive, as long as we are going no where fast. I want to kiss in an empty, dark parking lot. I want a teddy bear to cuddle when you're not there. I want an old hoodie for when I am cold, and to smell when I miss you. Sweetie, I want it all.

I told you some of my idea's, it's your turn to be spontaneous now.

If you loved me, you would watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bReVwemN5iE

They were dark-eyed dreamers, a dangerous pair.

We can make them so jealous, we can make them hate us. Make my dreams come true, and I'll make your's come true. Baby, we could have it all.

Sucker For Sweet Boys

If you want me,

then take me.

These thoughts are unnecessary, why must everything turn towards that direction, not that I mind. Just please make your mind up quickly.

If you loved me you would watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQQ0lpYI1RI

Sometimes I wish I could be more like her.

She's so daring, and so unafraid of herself. She is bold, and bright and beautiful. She is everything I want to be. I wish I had the guts to be myself around everyone, to feel beautiful on even my worse days, but I guess that will come in time.

Friendship Is A Touchy Subject.

I hate it when you act like this.

Battlestar Anorexia

Old habits die hard.

And this might be a habit I can't quit.

I’m uncomfortable.

Always edgy.

Constantly waiting.

I want it.

I need it.

My eyes play tricks on me.

Colorful blotches are always appearing.

I see things that don’t exist.

I want it.

I need it.

I hear my heart throbbing.

I watch the veins pumping.

Thrusting blood surges.

I want it.

I need it.

My body shakes.

My breathing stops.

I pass out.

I want it.

I need it.

Just give me a little something.

Oxycontin, Percocets.

Or a little crack or cocaine.

I want it.

I need it.

Rehabilitation is where I lye.

All I want is a little something,

To take the edge off.

I want it.

I need it.

But deep down inside,

I want to kick the habit.

And be clean for life.

I want that.

I need that.

If you loved me, you would

help me,

you would watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLJaqqZtuH4

I am frustrated. Why can't I fucking save you? Enough is enough, I can't help you if you don't want the help. You meant something to me, and God, I wish I could save you. We were killing eachother, but now it's only you killing yourself. I don't even know why I care so much. I hate feeling like I must help everyone. It's what breaks me down, makes me go back to old habits, places I don't want to be. I wish everyone would automatically get the help they needed. It hurts to see you fucking over your life for drugs. You could have been someone.... You really could have.

I am frustrated. It is my getaway, a place for tears, a place for secrets, my safe place, the place that helps me through the hurt, shelters me through the bad times, and lets me get away. So why are you ruining it for me? Why are you so concerned about what other people want, over your own daughters needs?

I know I'm a disappointment to you, but my god, could you please try to understand?

Not once did you visit, not once did you call. Not once did you tell me you loved me and gave me a hug. You didn't even say goodbye, you just abandoned me in a place colder then your heart.

I am frustrated. Why are you keeping me from the one I really love? The one's I need. Why are you sheltering me from my friends, the ones who will help me get better? I NEED him, he is a safe place, why don't you understand? The past is in the past. Get over it. Maybe I'll pick up something that will hurt you as much as you are hurting me.

I keep thinking terrible things are going to happen to you. and they scare me. A lot, I miss you. I listen to this song everyday, and it scares me that this is going to be you, going to be me. I just want you at home.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8khHqMntkbQ

That one's for you... Just so you can get in my brain, get in my nightmares and let me know you will be okay.

I hate nightmares. They won't go away. Those sterile white walls won't leave me alone. I left them a long time ago. Why are stupid thoughts of self harm still haunting me? I won't do it, but my god, I wish the addiction and pain was gone.

I need someone to be throwing rocks at my window right now, someone who loves me. I need them to take me away, someplace I love. I want to feel safe, protected, I want a teddy bear to cuddle with, I want an old hoodie that smells like you to sleep with.

I just wish I trusted myself more.

The Way She Feels

We will heal together.

We were in pain, we did something about it. This saved my life, I hope it can save yours too. If you want support, or if you loved me, you would watch this video.

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvLP628Jhgo

Secret Valentine

If you loved me, you would watch this:
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=RjO6CHmd-bg

She's So Pretty And She's So Sure.

I just need to talk about this amazing girl I know for a minute.
Her name is Siobhan, she is beautiful, and talented, and I envy everything about her. She is patient and polite, She deserves the world. Lets not forget, she has the most forgiving heart. Whenever I am in time of need, she is there for me.
I wish she knew how special she was, and even though I'm just one person, I hope I'm enough to keep giving her the hope she has given me.
I love you ♥

XO

I found what I want.

It's you.

I've heard enough about partying, about drinking, about things that could get out of control fast. I'm sick of reckless ways, and habits that hurt people. My g(G)od, you know I'm trying to stay strong. I think that message just made me realize how different we are now. This is not what I want. I don't want to have to worry that you are out drunk somewhere getting hurt, or that you're with another girl. I'm sick of always wondering.

Last night was such a good night with Jaret, he opened up my eyes so much, he made me really realize who and what I wanted. We had this huge discussion about how both of us were against drinking and drugs, I hugged him after, I told him he made me feel not so alone.

Thats when I realized how worth it YOU were. "Without trust there is no relationship" and you were so right, it went downhill fast. I don't have to worry about you, ever, well only when you are sick. You too don't believe in alcohol, or drugs, you've never been down that road, I have so much respect for you. Oh yea, isn't that what a relationship is also supposed to be based on? Respect? You take me for everything I am, good and bad, and you love every trait. Just like how I love all the good and bad and things inbetween about you. You were my first, and I do believe you are supposed to be my last. I'm willing if you are. Come home soon baby.

I am very much alive these days.